SIGNIFICANT
STUDENTS
Significant
Students is a series of cartoons based on the real lives and events of atypical
college students from the years of 1967 to 1971. The names have been altered,
as have the characters, for the enjoyment of the reader and the relief of the
writer. Each vignette will be a typical event in the typical lives of our
students, who typically react. Ho-hum.
Starring:
Peace
Freak:
Acting
leader of this motley crew and designated hippie
Bear:
The
philosopher of the group and activist egghead
Kid
Counselor:
Part-time
profiteer in the arts and capitalist
Roadrunner:
Product
of the ever-active adrenaline gland and the 50’s reject
Gramps:
Recognized
by his sloppy and horny smile.
SIGNIFICANT
STUDENTS
“Significant
Students” is a series of cartoons based on the lives and events of five
atypical college students. The names have been changed, as have the characters,
for the enjoyment of the reader and the relief of the writer. Each vignette
will be a typical event in the typical lives of our students who typically
react.
But
first let me introduce these characters!
Gramps:
is the oldest, the dumbest, the complainer, noteworthy in his
noteworthlessness. He is recognizable by his sloppy appearance and crackly
smile. Caution! Approach with care. He is dangerous!
This
is “Kid Counselor”. Artist and camera bug, part time profiteer in the arts
around this sprawling university. His ability is limited by an overwhelming
inferiority complex. He is quite noticeable by his constant mutterings about frogs.
“Roadrunner”,
master of velocity, better known as roadrunner, master of velocity. A product
of an overactive adrenaline gland, he is never satisfied to be in one place
over 2.75 minutes. He can usually be found around his bug, playing his guitar.
“P.F.”,
known to our fans as Peace Freak, Poor Fool, Pacifistic Fink, Pourk Park...what
have you. His diet consist of nicotine, alcohol, and dope in varying amounts.
Standing a head above everyone else, he is acting leader of this motley crew.
Bear,
The grade getter, the honor’s holder, he is the hypocritical speaker and
philosopher of the group. He thrives on books, games, teddy bears, and other
non-edible junk. Truth, justice, and the American way are goals which bring him
much confusion.
EATS
On
an occasion when the Significant Students meet (which is just about every
afternoon) each does what he likes to do. On this day, they met at the usual
spot to do what they usually do. Sit Around! This lack of motivation has been
chosen by democratic vote and by the fact that no one is willing to lead this
group of goof-offs. Conversations are seldom heard for fear of controversial
quarrels arising from differences in opinion. Suddenly the silence is broken.
“Let’s
get something to eat!”
Being
that our students are typical “skip-meals-at-cafe, eat-candy-bar-for-lunch,
always-hungry” types, this idea strikes their fancy.
Every
school (or so I am told) has a special “hang-out” for students. The prices are
high, the food lousy, the atmosphere appalling, and (most important) the girls
are plentiful. So the Significant Students head for their favorite eating
establishment, known as the “Chicken Coop”, run by a little Cuban named Pierre,
who specializes in Chinese and Italian styles southern fried hot dogs.
On
entering, they sit themselves down at their favorite table, only to have to
move to another one because a fraternity “wanted to sit together” (fraternities
are all powerful in college, you know). Once permanently seated with grumbles,
and gripes, they receive their menus.
“What’ll
have?”
The
major problem arises when it becomes clear that although everyone is hungry
enough to eat no one is hungry enough to order.
As
the waitress leaves conversation quickens to “Did you read the last chapter
Professor Whipplewink wanted us to read?...What did you think of the 42 page
psy. test... I wish I could drop out of modern medieval history course, it’s
such a bore!”
...time
marches on!
Just
when all hope is lost, over the horizon comes the lone waitress.
The
finale to a perfect meal is the coming of the check, and, of course, no one has
enough money!
JOBS
In
everyone’s life there comes a time when the need for responsible employment is
called for. In other words, you run out of money. And so the Significant
Students decide no only to enrich their minds, but also their pocketbooks. A
part-time college employment is searched for. Resumes are sent out, phone calls
are made, and interviews set. Day after day, after long strenuous classes each
applicant prepares for his opportunity to enhance the business world.
After
getting spruced up with Sunday’s best, Kid Counselor (our representative from
the Significant Students and most highly motivated to inquire about employment)
gathers examples of his work-displaying his social, moral, ethical, political,
and hysterical activities- proceeds to the personnel office.
His
eager procession is slowed a bit once inside by being at the end of a long
line, all applying for the same executive position. One by one each applicant
enters the office, while the secretary asks the rest to wait patiently.
Finally,
Kid Counselor is called into the interview room.
Once
inside, he presents his forms, gives references, answers questions, shows his
work, and tries to “Song and dance” his way into the hearts and files of...
...”The
Company”.
After
several days of worrisome waiting “The Co.” sends six dozen forms to be filled
out in triplicate and sent to their head offices in Pango-Pango, Scakway,
Alaska, and Little America.
Included
are self-addressed envelopes, but no stamps.
“Have
you ever had hemorrhoids, ptomaine poisoning, crotch rot, venereal disease,
hernias, or any hallucinogenic drugs?”
After
all forms are received and checked, Kid Counselor receives a medical
information form. This means he has to see a doctor.
A
couple of weeks roll by and the red tape is cleared so he can be assigned his
equal employment executive career.
The
hours work well with his schedule. Now, he goes to work directly after class
and gets home in time for 3 1/2 hours sleep. Since his weekends are free, he
can work day and night shifts, all for 79¢ an hour.
“Boy,
I sure am lucky to have such a great job!”
Suddenly,
he is replaced! Not because he has not done his job to completion, but because
the boss has found someone to work for 69¢ an hour.
Once
again, among the throngs of the unemployed Kid Counselor, decides to use his
newly found wealth for a useful, meaningful purpose- going to a rock festival.
VACATION
Even
those hardworking Significant Students must take a break from their book
learning and take some time off for rest and relaxation. Perhaps a weekend
rations! No Books! No Work! No Studies! No Problems? A few essential articles
are packed and these hardy travelers begin their voyage.
After
may hour of rugged traveling they pause to figure out where they are and where
they are going ( a small undertaking that always seems to be forgotten)
Once
again they are off following the easy-to-read road signs.
Occasionally
stopping to enhance themselves with historical sights and beautiful scenery or
relieve “Travelers’ fatigue.”
While
pressing onward they pass may a strange traveler
When
all hope (and fuel) are almost gone, they reach their destination.
The
chores are handed out:
1.
Pitch the tent
2.
Get the food
3.
Look for girls!
Once
settled, the Significant Students bathe themselves in good weather.
After
several fulfilled days in their tents playing cards, drinking beer, and
exchanging small talk (that’s all there’s room for) the happy Significant
Students depart this hideaway.
Once
home they reminiscence over the abundance of girls, the clear skies, and the
aching sunburn (the Significant Students are the only ones I know who can
sunburn in the rain)
.
BLIND
DATE
In
every college there are social events that require the companionship of the
opposite sex. Thus the extra-curricular sport of dating takes place between the
normal red-blooded all American college Joe’s and Jill’s. Being that none of
the Significant Students live up to either of their before mentioned
descriptions they have a hard time getting dates. Usually a friend’s friend
befriends a friend to find a friend that will go out with any of these
weaklings in the waning world of woo. And so the Blind Date is made. But they
still make excuses like these...
“Nope!
Can’t make it! Garden needs tending”
“Oh
wow! man, I’m too zonked to play that far-out game. Like man, chicks want to
rap about meaningful relationships and I just can’t dig it!”
“My
love, the essence of beauty, come fly with me in my magic carpeted buggy and I’ll
make you swoon with lovely songs on my gittar.”
“Get
lost you corny male chauvinist bumpkin”
“Hay!
You want a piece of candy, lil’ girl? hee hee”
(there’s
no excuse in that)
And
there comes a time when the excuses run out and they must be brave and escort
their blind date. Such is the case with Roadrunner, better known as “Snowman,
Master to the act of loving, wooing, and all that stuff.”
As
everyone knows preparing for a date, especially a blind date, consists of a
good scrub down, fancy mod 3-piece gray flannel suit. This process of “dudeing
up” is to make a good impression, although it can be linked to this masculine
vain ego.
Soon
the hour arrives, the flowers are bought and the poor sap waits patiently
outside the house checking the address and summoning up enough courage to ring
the bell.
The
father’s reception is warm and cheerful. He starts with a quick glance over
Roadrunner’s suit (to see how well dressed he is and to make sure his fly’s not
down), then they enter into a timely conversation until the young lady is
through in her preparation.
“Your
early ain’t you, boy? Why don’t you get a haircut? Where are you going? I want
my daughter in by 10:30 P.M.! If you lay a finger on her, I’ll....”
After
passing an eternity in the inquisition, Roadrunner is relieved to see the
mother bring the young lady in. The shock (or should I say surprise) of the
first meeting pass quickly and not one to stand on protocol, this able bodied
sucker lead his night’s companion out the door and to their destinations.
Like
most untypical college students, “The Date” consists of the usual ordeals:
1.
The make-out drive-in movie
2.
The favorite drive-in cheapo hamburger joint
The
curfew time finally arrives, much to the dismay of the couple who are having
such a wonderful time. As he takes her to the door she shyly “thanks him” with
a little kiss, then runs inside.
Roadrunner,
not one to be easily taken in by such shows of affection, shrugs it off as an
adolescent act of a naive child. In others words, he’s fallen for her.
“My
work (ribbit), my work must get done! It’s piling up on me (ribbit) and I have
a headache (ribbit) mumble (ribbit) mumble...mumble...”
To
Gramps it’s wasting time.
But
this weekend arrives and it’s party time for the Significant Students.
“You
and Yours are cordially invited to the third annual Jawsmashing and Hogstomping
Contest. B.Y.O.D.”
To
prepare for the gathering certain chores are assigned.
1.
Cleaning and straightening up the mess
made
during the week.
2.
Preparing decorations and displaying
the
Significant Students creativity.
3.
Selecting the records and munchies
This
is the one time during the week the Significant Students remove their old,
smelly, worn-out, patched up jeans and sweat shirts and put on their fanciest,
new, Sunday-go-to-meeting jeans and sweat shirts.
One
by one, each arrives with the date (usually a hand-me-down from another member
of the group). Immediately upon entering the other swarm around to introduce
themselves.
The
record player grinds out their favorite tune to the patter of little feet. (Although
everyone enjoys slow dances much more).
And
the muchies are partaken of (or should I say...devoured).
As
is the usual custom, the lights dim, the music softens, and each couple fights
for a cozy sofa or chair in a dark corner.
STRIKE!
Our
story begins thusly:
Partaking
of the beauties and quiet life of the campus community the Significant Students
stumble across a mass crowd listening to various orators voicing their demands
upon passerby’s.
Being
typically naive, the Significant Students stop to listen.
“Brothers,
sisters, members of the movement! It’s time to fight back! It’s time to kick
the Anglo-Saxon system in the ass! It’s time to down the establishment! Thoske
honkies called us niggers and cotton pickers too long! Rise up and take your
freedom! Strike for us! Right on! Black power!
“Hey
man! It’s time to fight those fuckers back! It’s time to kick the system in the
butt! Bring down the establishment! Those pig dudes have ripped us off and
shoved us up against the wall too often! Dig it! Strike for us! Revolution!”
“Sister
feminist! It’s time to fight back!
It’s
time to kick the system in the crotch! It’s time the establishment came down!
The shackles of masculine domination have made us burn our bras and girdles,
and grow hair on our legs and arm pits! Cut him off! Strike for us! Women’s
liberation!”
“Tweeties!
It’s th time to fight back those big bulliesth! It’s th time to grab the ths
tum by the ballsth~! It’sth time to pull down the ethtablishments pants! We
have been denied bny those poo-poo’s long enough! Free usth from brutality!
Strike for uksth! Gay power!”
“Members
of mankind! It’s time to fight back! It’s time to kick the system in the seat
of it’s pants! It’s time to turn around the establishment! We’ve had our water,
air, land, population polluted by the labor industries! It’s the end of man!
Strike for us! Revolution will open the way for ecology!”
“Strike”
“Dig
It”
“Get
It Together”
After
all is said and done (not much of either) the Significant Students stroll off
pondering what the Student soothe sayers had proclaimed.
“That’s
the ticket, guys! We’ve gotta get with it and join the movement or we’ll be put
down!”
To
his embarrassment and anger - all do not agree!
“I
wonder if frog’s strike?”
“Let’s
go somewhere! There’s nothing doing here!”
“Who
would we be striking for?”
“They
are doing it all wrong.”
Long
Live Militant Apathy
During
the school year, our Significant Students have been known for being hard
workers.
Always
hitting the books.
Using
every minute to better their skills or widen their philosophical views.
A
fleeing moment is not spent without some sort of meaningful communication.
All
is in ready for...
EXAMS
The
process of looking back over the books is necessary to see what was missed in
lectures (This process is called cramming). The Significant Students realize as
never before how much they really know.
There
are only 3 choices to take in this situation:
1.
Cheat notes (from a reliable source like the dean’s secretary)
2.
Brown nose the professor- (better known as bribery)
3.
Taking the exam (which most poor unfortunates wind up doing)
After
4 or 5 hours of struggling over right or wrong, multiple guess, and fill in the
void, the Significant Students leave the classroom less 100 exam books, 22
pencils, and a carton and a half of cigarettes.
The
following days pass quickly and grades are posted. Unfortunately you didn’t get
the grade you expected. As a matter of fact, you didn’t even get close.
In
which case tensions must be relieved. (Usually finding the crumb that ripped
you off with fake cheats notes).
HOME
The
months pass quickly for the Significant Students and before they realize it, it’s
time to go home.
After
many months of absence the Students are greeted with open arms.
“Get
a haircut!”
“Are
we spending all our dough so you can bring home grades like those there?!”
“Mow
the lawn, clean the windows, wax the floors, wash the dishes, ......”
“With
all that book learning, I’d think you’d know how to act respectable!”
“For
Sale”
So
ends another school year for the Significant Students. If they can suffer
through the heat of the summer and tolerate the nagging of their parents for
three months, they will cheerfully trot back to the books, classes, and
professors whom they so dearly dislike.
For
college is a blessing to these professional students and they’ll be back for
more exciting adventures.
Clypht
Lephtwytch circa 1970
