Un-follow

Strange thing happened while I was watching the World Serious. As usual, multi-tasking because I can’t stay focused when I click on a Facebook page. I only follow a few counter-culture pages and this page that was suppose to connect people from my burg. I don’t spend much time on them but when there are several posts, I click over to check who commented. Tonight was something different.

Instead of the usual picture of some old people or babies or puppies or some restaurant that has been out of business for years, someone posted a picture of a yard with a sign saying something about saving the monuments with a picture of the Robert E. Lee statue on the Monument Avenue in the Capitol of the Confederacy. I didn’t recognize the name of the person who started the thread, but it seemed to hit a nerve.

The comments were showing up faster than I could read them. Before I could scroll back up to double check the original message I was overwhelmed with the degrading attitude displayed in the potty mouth culture that jump aboard. Without regard or even factual or logical response, the hatred flowed back and forth.

I un-clicked the page and moved back to puppies and grandmothers and flowers and babies. I was confused because the page had presented some interesting historical facts about this river city so this was unusual.

After awhile I went back to the page and the fires were still burning. A few messages were asking for help from the administrator but the rage didn’t stop.

So I stopped it. I clicked on Un-follow the page. The name went off my shortcut list and that was that.

The next day I tried to go back and find the page to see if it was still going on but couldn’t remember what the name was. It was just a page full of strangers who live or had lived in this town I call home but it somehow got out of hand with one sentence.

At the beginning of the year, after a testy political campaign, I cleaned out my Rolodex. I went through people, who for long periods of time or somehow connected by school or work or some other shared experience, and reviewed my relationship with them. Many were like cousins who you had not seen in decades but still sent Christmas cards.

Un-friend is a click of a mouse. I was also un-friended by some and perhaps deserved more. It is a good way to declutter the emotional closet.

Bystander Effect

The bystander effect, or bystander apathy, is a social psychological phenomenon in which individuals are less likely to offer help to a victim when other people are present. The greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that any one of them will help. Several factors contribute to the bystander effect, including ambiguity, cohesiveness and diffusion of responsibility.

Have you ever noticed the people surrounding a car crash or a train wreck or some other disastrous event? There are those wearing florescent vest with large words on the back of organizations who hire people to go into these situations and clean up the mess while the others stand around gawking. Some may just be there to pick up leftover wallets or laptops or souvenirs but most want to stand around, get in the way and play sideline detective to enhance their dull lives.

The news will show a brief video of the carnage, but the bystander was there, on the scene with maybe an interview for brief fame or just a selfie recollection for friends and family.

The bystander is the audience who doesn’t participate but watches the show from the wings to criticize later. A bystander will buy a program or a jersey or t-shirt to associate without any effort.

The bystander may be the top in their field but not noticed in the news hour or have a viral video on the Internet. A bystander is not on the red carpet or spotlighted and even if part of the team, sits on the sidelines to watch the play just like the rest of the ticket holders.

Today the bystander can comment on their beliefs, feelings, and criticisms or prejudges to more than local family and friends through the Internet. With phone selfies a bystander can be the star of their own movie.

With today’s world events and political and social mayhem, it is easy to watch from afar and not get involved.

The bystander still pays the consequences.

ME2!

Editors Note: What follows is one person’s observation of interaction between the genders in the past century. The thoughts are not based on scientific research or confirmed by an accumulation of data but one person’s experience. It may seem offensive, demeaning, sexist, or any other disparaging reaction. It is meant to continue a thoughtful reflection and constructive discussion. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

There is an interesting campaign starting by women who have been sexually harassed, abused or raped. The “Me Too” posting on social media shares what I thought every female (and perhaps males) went through.

First of all, I appreciate the courage of women finally standing up for their dignity to unwanted advances.

Second, the old adage of “No, means maybe” was never proper, but culturally accepted.

Virginity is the state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse. There are cultural and religious traditions that place special value and significance on this state, predominantly towards unmarried females, associated with notions of personal purity, honor and worth.

Like chastity, the concept of virginity has traditionally involved sexual abstinence. The concept of virginity usually involves moral or religious issues and can have consequences in terms of social status and in interpersonal relationships. Although virginity has social implications and had significant legal implications in some societies in the past, it has no legal consequences in most societies today.

The term virgin originally only referred to sexually inexperienced women, but has evolved to encompass a range of definitions, as found in traditional, modern, and ethical concepts. Heterosexual individuals may or may not consider loss of virginity to occur only through penile-vaginal penetration, while people of other sexual orientations often include oral sex, anal sex or mutual masturbation in their definitions of losing one’s virginity. The social implications of virginity still remain in many societies, and can have varying effects on an individual’s social agency based upon location.

Growing up every girl was pure and chaste and there was no talk of pedophilia. The family handled inappropriate actions with the assistance of the church and the hush gossip of the neighbors. Every “good” girl was expected to be a virgin until her wedding night.

 

‘Making-out’ is a term of American origin and is used variously to refer to kissing, petting, and necking, but may also refer to non-penetrative sex acts such as heavy petting.

Studies indicate that at the beginning of the 20th century, premarital sex increased, and with it, petting behavior. By the postwar period, necking and petting became accepted behavior in mainstream American culture, as long as the partners were dating.

The sexual connotations of the phrase ‘make-out’ appear to have developed in the 1930s and 1940s from the phrase’s other meanings of ‘to succeed’. Originally, it meant ‘to seduce’ or ‘to have sexual intercourse with’.

‘Making-out’ is usually considered an expression of affection or sexual attraction. It covers a wide range of sexual behavior. It typically refers to kissing, including prolonged, passionate, open-mouth kissing (also known as French kissing), and intimate skin-to-skin contact. The term can also refer to other forms of foreplay such as heavy petting, which typically involves some genital stimulation, but usually not the direct act of penetrative sexual intercourse.

The perceived significance of ‘making-out’ may be affected by the age and relative sexual experience of the participants. Teenagers sometimes play party games in which ‘making-out’ is the main activity as an act of exploration. Games in this category include ‘seven minutes in heaven’ and ‘spin the bottle’.

Teenagers may have had social gatherings in which ‘making-out’ was the predominant event without chaperones. These ‘make-out parties’ were generally not regarded as sex parties, though heavy petting may have been involved. 

A time of puberty and testosterones and little education, the ‘make-out parties’ was a source of exploration. The groping, rubbing, persuasion and rejection taught young people who would go ‘all-the-way’ and who was a ‘prude’. At the same time, to lose virginity was a passage to adult status.

Consent gives permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. Consent is an agreement, assent, acceptance, approval, permission, authorization, endorsement, support, informal go-ahead, thumbs up, green light, or an OK.

Did anyone ask?

 

Moral concerned with the principles of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ behavior and the goodness or badness of human character. Moral is virtuous, good, righteous, upright, upstanding, high-minded, principled, honorable, honest, just, noble, incorruptible, scrupulous, respectable, decent, clean living, and law-abiding. Moral is concerned with or derived from the code of interpersonal behavior that is considered right or acceptable in a particular society.

Ethics are the moral principles that govern a person’s behavior or the conducting of an activity. Ethics are the moral code, morals, morality, values, rights and wrongs, principles, ideals, standards (of behavior), value system, virtues and dictates of conscience. Ethics are the branch of knowledge that deals with moral principles.

The ‘ethics’ or ‘moral’ within a society that was prosperous and wanton for more and bigger and faster and better taught the youth, through movies and magazines and television, conflicting with religious vulgarity and abstinences. Boys were shown girls to be subservient as secretaries, housewives, cocktail hostesses, etc. always serving the male. Girls were shown glamour and fragrances and hairdos and runways high heels and bikinis as the vision of what attractive women should look and act like. Culture presented Playboy bunnies, filter cigarettes, binge drinking, fast cars and heart-shaped beds as aspirations for popularity. Little was said of abortions, domestic violence or sexual harassment.

In biology, mating is the pairing of either opposite-sex or hermaphroditic organisms for the purpose of sexual reproduction. Copulation is the union of the sex organs of two sexually reproducing animals for insemination and subsequent internal fertilization. For the majority of species, mating is between two individuals of opposite sexes.

The church preached restraint from such behavior until marriage while culture showed that fanny patting, forced kissing, single mothers were acceptable. Games were presented to entangle bodies while alcohol fueled the ‘action’ to wear the badge of going to 1^st base, 2^nd base, 3^rd base or home run.

BDSM is a variety of often-erotic practices or role-playing involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other related interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community or subculture is usually dependent upon self-identification and shared experience.

The BDSM community often uses ‘predator’ as a term for someone who seeks out dominance and submission parties that are new to the lifestyle. These parties would use the submissive or dominant in a manner that suited their personal needs instead of encouraging them to grow and learn on their own about this culture. In this same circle and in broader circles, there are also predators who are simply hunters who seek a certain type of personality, age group, fetish, or play style; they often refer to themselves as predators and enjoy the game of Hunter/Prey.

Misogyny is the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in numerous ways, including social exclusion, sex discrimination, hostility, andocentric, patriarchy, male privilege, belittling of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification. Misogyny can occasionally be found within sacred texts of religions and mythologies, and various influential Western philosophers and thinkers have been described as misogynistic.

 A sexual predator is a person seen as obtaining or trying to obtain sexual contact with another person in a metaphorically ‘predatory’ or abusive manner. Analogous to how a predator hunts down its prey, so the sexual predator is thought to ‘hunt’ for his or her sex partners. People who commit sex crimes, such as rape or child sexual abuse, are commonly referred to as sexual predators, particularly in tabloid media or as a power phrase by politicians.

Some U.S. states have a special status for criminals designated as sexually violent predators, which allows these offenders to be held in prison after their sentence is complete if they are considered to be a risk to the public.  The term is applied according to a person’s moral beliefs and does not necessarily denote criminal behavior. For example, a person who cruises a bar looking for consensual sex from someone else could be considered a sexual predator by some.

Third, as a privileged white male growing up in a middle-class neighborhood where no one questioned the social norms and little education in the act of intimacy or consequences, wandered through the smoke and mirrors and tried to behave correctly.

Did I not see or even participate in harassing behavior? I did but if it felt or looked uncomfortable avoided it. Did I not see forcible rape? I did but had no power to stop it. Did I not try to convince a young lady to go farther than she had wanted? Guilty as charged, but always conceded to her request.

What is the difference?

Respect.

Even if I wanted more than anything at the moment, somewhere along the way I decided to respect the other person over peer pressure or passion.

Between the church, my parents, and whatever other influences directing my decisions, I tried to conduct myself in a proper manner to believe my date was more than a ‘great rack’, ‘boobs’, ‘knockers’, ‘jugs’, hooters’, etc.

Forth, will this posting change the sexual culture? Like other prejudices from years of discriminations it will take generations to retrain our behavior.

One last point, the person(s) who have been accused of repulsive actions have already been tried and found guilty by society. The allegations, whether proven or forgotten, have produced their intended results to shame and shock. Stay tuned for more to come.

Please sir, I want some more (donations)

Everyday someone is begging for money. Additional health benefits, better deals on car insurance, alumni fundraising, coupons online shopping, disaster help, shelter animal assistance, old age advantage, deals, sales….the list goes on and on.

The term ‘robbery’ comes to mind for all these request are for your money. It may be a kick-starter campaign to raise capitol for a business start or an investment opportunity with the promise of rewards. It may be a request for a donation or contribution to a political cause or a humanitarian effort to feed, clothe, shelter the less fortunate.

The requests come by phone, mail, and social media in a constant belief that everyone is philanthropic. Throw in a picture of starving children or the sad eyes of a wet puppy and watch the dollars flow in. Designate the request from an “American” or “United” or “Veteran” or “Non-Profit” organization, family, community, society or foundation to give credibility.

There are so many pleas for money, but who pays for the mailings, printings, photographs, data research, copy writing and television commercials. Which organization is the best to help the people flooded in a hurricane? Which hurricane? What about the wild fires? What about the earthquakes? What about the refugees? What about the mass shooting victims? What about the veterans? What about the homeless? What about the opioid epidemic? What about the elderly? What about racism? What about domestic abuse? What about inequality? What about…?

Abstinence

The practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something, teetotalism, temperance, sobriety, abstemiousness, abstention, celibacy, chastity, virginity, self-restraint, self-denial, refraining from, desisting from, holding back from, withholding, renunciation of, refusal of, declining, avoidance of, eschewal of, abjuration of, forgoing, shunning, going without and doing without.

I think the idea is to abstain from things that are bad (society qualifications) such as drink, sex, and other nonsense that will get you in trouble or worse.  We all like to conform to acceptable expectations. We must abstain from the pressure to stay up past curfew, drive too fast or taking advantage of the curious and willing. No matter how we wanted to emulate our screen idols or fit in with the cool kids we followed our instructions of right and wrong.

 Once we are free from our parental judification there is no one to blame for our actions. It is part of the growing up process and we accept what we like.

So after living as a ‘good-boy’ in a ‘bad-boy’s’ body, perhaps I’ve grown old enough with a taste of wisdom and a bit of sensibility to conform my lifestyle of restraint. No late night carousing or shenanigans. Step away from the fried food and dead animals and starches and don’t go down the chips or cookie aisle.

Self restraint might have made us live longer and healthier, but those temptations were hard to resist.

So the New Year will be a Vow of Abstinence.

It is not hard to go without. I’ve already tried to clean all the clutter collected through the years. I’ve trimmed down my Rolodex and only answer the phone after a message is left. The television is turned off except for important programs like candidate debates or football. Priorities are being set.

Still pay attention to current events but only worry about what I have the power to control. Makes social media easier to view.

1967 – 2017 = 50

Imagine, if you will, walking into a room full of strangers that you are suppose to know. After fifty years older faces on kids who walked the halls and sat next to you for three years brings little recognition.

Nametags are a start but if the names have not been spoken in that length of times what can be said with the handshake? There were two days and three occasions to reconnect or connect for the first time.

The first stop was a name brand famous in this city but not as familiar anymore. A clean establishment known for hickory smoked hams and Virginia peanuts became a gathering spot selected for a pizza party.  Beer was $2.00. Awkward attempts to recognize each other and find those of your high school clique were amazing to watch. Soon pockets of old friends starting sharing stories, taking selfies, and devouring pizza. The room filled with a buzz bouncing off the tiled walls. Should have been recorded.

The next event was going back to the high school attended (and luckily graduated) so long ago for a PowerPoint presentation to restore the school spirit and ask for alumni donations. It was a basic presentation skipping over the Art Deco design but emphasis on the students who served in the military. There were headshots of teachers but each person had their own memories. Where were the cadets? Where was the orchestra? Where were the cheerleaders? Where were the football players running through paper banners? Should we sing “Jeffersonian” now?

Before the box lunch in the cafeteria, there was time to wander the wide hallways and relive memories. The old building still had enough smells and sounds for flashbacks. What was my locker number? Where was my homeroom? So there was an elevator.

Each stop gave more time to view old classmates as they interact today.

The first reunion was after 5 years and was held at a community center with picnic tables and kegs. People only had stories of early employment, college or university, military service, marriage and babies and the best part was a fistfight in the parking lot.

The second reunion was after 20 years. Held in a downtown glass and chrome high-rise hotel the class had time to establish themselves. Men were starting to bald and bulge and the woman on their arm might not be the first wife. Instead of passing business cards trying to network like the first reunion, this one was about bragging on accomplishments. The musical soundtrack had not changed.

This reunion was about who has survived and the discussions were about family and extended family and physical ailments. It is what people of this age do.

The banquet dinner and dance held a larger venue with tables covered in 45 records and chairs draped to look fancy. There were china and silverware and the beer was up to $6.00. Most dressed up to impress with attempts to be selected to the Key Club or lead role in Oklahoma or Carousal. The DJ did agree to play a Frank Zappa song so mission accomplished. Checked the tables to find the cool kids, but finally settled near the music. The familiar faces kept up with over all these years said the same words and were all the same. One who had not been seen in a decade arrived and a brief conversation couldn’t fill in years apart. Another who had played guitar on the porch earlier entertaining the passing mother and carriage couldn’t attend to medical emergency. As the crowd thinned and the conga line formed my chariot got me home before mayhem could proceed.

At the end, my stranger classmates will depart to parts unknown and the dust will settle and the school will still stand proud a few blocks away and the next milestone will come. Back to normality the yearbooks will be put back on the shelf, the confusion of the chatter will become gossip and the rocker on the porch calls me. The soundtrack had not changed.

Hey gang lets put on a show!

Hey gang! Lets put on a show!

I know it is a familiar subject but here we go again. Another dip-wad gathered a bunch of weapons and shot up the place. Lots of people are dead or wounded and stories fill the newsreels and the talking heads are taking every side while the president sends condolences and repeats scriptures. We’ve been here before.

So the people will moan and bring flowers and light candles and place cards and teddy bears where the blood was before being washed away by the same folks who clean the hotel rooms and pick the crops. Pictures of faces of strangers will fill the pages and interviews with grieving family only tell the same story.

Hands will be rung and balloons released into the air only to land in the waters with the rest of the plastic trash. Folks will rant but Halloween is coming on and got to get that costume and decorations. Our elected officials will make speeches but the lobbyist will quiet the anger with contributions.

Grassroots organizations will pop up with idealism but no power to persuade. Well meaning folk will walk the streets with placards and shouts of unification for a good cause. Some will be none violent and just a lot of time. Others will become destructive and prove only that we cannot control our emotions.

The sales of arms will rise and profits made from a slaughter of people just trying to have fun looking at all those cups on the ground. The pain and anguish attracts our attention focused by the media while other disasters happen around the world unnoticed.

I sit at night on my porch and hear the sirens and pops of gunfire but it is far away. If the sirens become louder and the crackle become more frequent, what will I do? Hide inside under the bed and hope it all goes away? Purchase a weapon (or several) to defend my peace and quiet and enjoyment of life?

Not me! Hey gang!! Lets put on a show!!

It will happen. A tribute to another catastrophe will be organized and list of stars will appear to offer their feelings and get good PR exposure while people will sing along and download the songs and feel righteous. 

Tom Petty won't be on the bill. 
 
 

Off The Road Experience

We had no idea

In your youth you are invincible and strong willed but sometimes not very smart. This was one of those ‘not too smart’ off the road experiences.

In my youth, I was in a band. A bunch of kids would get together and make loud noises and we called it music. We would spend out weekends playing dances and parties and met some girls and didn’t make a lot of money but we had fun.

Well, as the story goes, we got this gig down at the beach. A little club we’d never heard of but it was an adventure. We loaded all the gear we could gather into two cars and started down the road. After a five hour tour we found one of the few buildings along the road was our destination.

We played a set but got kicked out because we didn’t make the age limit for working in a drinking establishment. Since it was getting dark, half the band loaded their gear and headed back home.

The singer/lead guitar player had hooked up with a couple of local girls so the rest of the band stayed. We loaded our car with our gear then mingled outside in the parking lot hoping for some action. Perhaps it was the free beer we had been paid with or the angry local boyfriends, but nothing ever happened.

Now it was late and dark and we were alone in a foreign town with no place to go. We put our fuzzy heads together and decided we would drive off the road and sleep on the beach.

What seemed like such a good idea turned out so bad. The massive car carried us onto the sand with ease. The windows were rolled down and we settled into an exhausted sleep. Then they came.

At first it was just a little nuisance of buzzing and slapping the mosquitoes. Then it became apparent THEY did not want US sleeping on THEIR beach. Not only were we tired and annoyed by the constant attack of these vampire bugs, we learned a sense of psychics. The over packed weighted car had sunk in the sand.

The next couple of hours in the dark were dedicated to unpacking guitars and amps and microphone stands and cords and wires and all kinds of stuff, then pushing the massive vehicle back and forth listening to the wheels spin. Somehow the gods were smiling on four guys who pushed and pulled our ride back to the asphalt road.

Repacking our vehicle and still no place to sleep we began to ride down the black ribbon of a road. Being teens we didn’t worry about running out of gas or getting lost or stopped by the local law enforcement.

Just when all seemed doomed, our driver remembered a family member who lived near by, so we had a new adventure ahead.

Of the four lads who ventured off the road, one has died and two other are off the radar. It was a brief bonding experience and a wonderful story to any musician who can immediately relate.

Sometimes just hearing ‘off the road’ can make you scratch and bring a smile to your face.

How To Make A Friend

 A description of a friend might include an alter ego, an amigo, a buddy, a chum, a compadre, a comrade, a confidant, a crony, a familiar, an intimate, a mate, a musketeer, or a pal

Or perhaps an acquaintance, an associate, a cohort, a colleague, a companion, a fellow, a hearty, a hobnobber, a partner, a peer, a sport; a brother, a main man, an accomplice, a ally, a collaborator, a confederate; a pen pal, a benefactor, a supporter, a sympathizer, or a well-wisher.

Friends can also be an adversary, an antagonist, a competitor, an opponent, a rival and even a nemesis.

Some friendships continue through the ages and some fade away. Some can be reunited through technology and some will never happen again. Some are remembered and some are gone.

Here are some hints some say work to ‘make a friend’.

1. Follow your intuition. At any time or any place when you walk into a room you cannot help but scan the room. A face or stance or a look might attract your attention. Follow your intuition to introduce yourself to the person who has interested you. It may be only a physical attraction but it may turn into a friendship.

2. Engage your passion. Paint or play music or run or go to the gym and sooner or later your will find someone who also engages in the same passion. That may create a friendship.

3. Buy a puppy. If you really want to meet someone, get a puppy. I don’t recommend buying a puppy with all the shelter alternatives, but a puppy, unlike a cat, will bring the others to your door. Guaranteed. Pups are chick magnets. Dogs are a mans best friend, but when you are shouting at the television over a field goal, your dog will just look at your and smile.

4. Start a hobby. Hobbies are those fun things we like to do but you can also find a friend. Whether it is art or dancing or whatever turns you on, there is a group out there who also enjoy theses things. Taking a painting class or cooking class or go to the gym and you will meet others who enjoy the same things. It may be the passion or just a class; you share the attempt and may form a friendship.

5. Widen your age-range view. Sounds easy but then again a younger or perhaps older friend could be easy to get along with. As we age, age does not make as much difference as it did in our youth. Besides, a different focus on certain subjects may for an interesting friendship.

6. Build a community garden. Really? Well if you open up a plot of land and dig it up and put some greens in and water it and trim it and guess what. Other people will appreciate your effort and ask if they too can participate. Digging in the dirt is a great way to make a friend, whether it is human or animal.

7. Reconnect with people from your past. We all lose touch with old friends. They get married and focus on their families. They move away. They change their values or interest that once was. Yet the old bonds are still there. For whatever reasons, the reconnect can take place. We can be friends again.

8. If adventurous, use the Internet. There are lots of sites out there that can connect you with all kinds of “friends” who can be real or not real. Post some profiles and upload some pictures and hope for the best. Are you that desperate to make friends?

So to make a friend is just to be you and meet others in an un-stressful location and just see if there are any connections. If after a while you want to spend more time with this person, a friendship is starting.

A friend, a true friend, is someone you can sit quietly with in comfort. You do not need to entertain a friend or expect anything from a friend. A friend is like an old comfortable shoe. A friend has gone through enough experiences with you to offer assistance when needed and give advice when asked. A friend will laugh at your jokes and listen to your miseries. A friend will keep your secrets and won’t judge your actions.

Then there is that boyfriend/girlfriend thing. When a friend gets an emotional connection all values of friendship changes. 

I wrote that a number of years ago on an English website. I revisit the idea of friendship several times a year. Here is my update.

Where do friends come from? Other than family our first interaction with other kids is school. We are forced into conformity and start to relate with classmates by the color of our hair or similar names. We group in common areas like playgrounds and lunchrooms where we are free to talk freely with each other. We find the kids who go to the same church or live in the neighborhood or fathers work in similar industries or drive similar cars. We talk about family. We start forming teams and group activities and see some more than others. Of that lot we find a few who enjoy the same television shows or read the same books or laugh at the same jokes and thus friendships start.

As we grow our interest change as do our friends. Some adapt to the changes and stay with us but what holds us together is school.

Then romance hits our lives and the value of our friends shift on the priority list.

Our associations become more restrictive to qualify who can join and who cannot. We start to recognize discrimination and status inequality.

College breaks up many connections as friends go to different schools or travel out of state. Holidays are reasons to gather together again and compare new experiences while old reasons for friendships begin to fade.

Cards and letters try to convey thoughts but turn mostly into latest timeline events of work, family, or home. Marriages are events that can draw friends together but after the third, it becomes a bit too familiar. Divorces don’t have DJs. Baby showers are good excuses to bring other families together except for those without children.

Employment introduces a new set of strangers who can be picked through to find friends. Some of these people will spend more time with you than your family and cause you more stress and joy but there are restrictions.

If none of these people show any interest then there are no new friends.

All our friends are also finding names to add to their Rolodex and they see these people more often than they see you. Each friend has new wants and needs and will discuss more concerns with their neighbors than with you.

Brief excuses to gathering old friends can only bring back memories for there is no reason to share with these strangers.

Work can’t be a conversation subject because each works in a different environment with different languages others don’t understand. Unlike in school when dates and love interest were shared, family is too personal now, except for the kids. Television, movies, sports, music, books can only be topics if everyone has experienced them. Topics of spiritual or inner emotional or even philosophical beliefs are forbidden for these former friends would need too much history to understand. Politics can be shared online as memes or opinion pieces others write with the same intensity of sports.

Maybe this friendship thing is overrated.

If I’m going to move I’ll not call my friends to come into town to help lug heavy stuff around. They are too old with limited dexterity and mobility and they would probably drop something or break something or hurt themselves and sue me. Collaboration on a project is ridiculous for everyone is too self-indulged to take off the blinders and imagine possibilities once our youth fantasies. A gathering of old friends only descends into memories too long ago to revisit or insults and demeaning remarks not worthy of friendship, even fueled by mind alternating substances.

Some people with emotional (or even financial) connections will show up to your funeral but only stay long enough to eat the food and drink the booze. Friends will be forgotten. Even in the photos names and memories cannot match faces.

Perhaps the idea of people who volunteer to be trustworthy and loyal enough to share intimacy while displaying empathy and concern may be dead. If so then that cuts down on expectations for humanity.

 ____________________________________

Addendum: Last night a friend came by. Unexpected and uninvited but welcomed. If I’d been working on a project he would have volunteered to chip in but I was settling down to watch the sun go down and watch the moon come up. Offered a beer, which is as much hospitality, you get around here and we found comfortable seats on the porch. The small talk of “How are you doing?” and “What’s up with you?” were spattered between long pauses of silence. There wasn’t the need. After a while he came around to mentioning the subject he wanted to talk about. He didn’t want advice or opinion but just someone to listen and perhaps help get his thoughts together. It wasn’t a life-changing event but instead of a priest or a bartender he chose a friend.