The Art of Listening

 

Now that reality sneaks into the world with stomachs that don’t fit the pants and worry that you will miss the biggest Black Friday bargain, how was yesterday’s turkey gathering.

It is such a wonderful holiday to prepare enough food for a small city and drink enough adult beverages to float a boat, between gulps and munching, everyone tries to talk. There is so much to be said but is anyone listening.

The usual small talk of our latest injury or purchases or family drama is done while putting the coats away and looking for the corkscrew. After a few glasses and everything is warmed up, we gather around the extended table (do you use place cards?)

Before you get seated do you hold hands and have a prayer? Do you really want to touch that other person? What if you are not Christian? Remember this is 2021 and people are very sensitive about offending their personal beliefs.

Once seated, the carousal of bowls and plates can start making their rounds and the roar of mouths ready to be stuff fills the air. It is the mob mentality where everyone thinks his or her story is more important or funnier so the volume goes up. The only mute button is the stuffing.

Now, twenty-four hours later, what do you remember saying? What do you remember hearing? Were you listening?

Conversations are what connect us, but the turkey table can sound like the alumni section at a football game. Conversations can also show people’s personalities and bias, if you were only paying attention.

What was their body language? When did the pitch change? Did they join into every subject or sit back and chew celery to drown out the noise? How long do you talk? Do you laugh at your own jokes?

Do you stop and contemplate what the other person said or rush to a response hoping to keep attention? Do you redefine what you said trying to find some form of relaying your thoughts? Do you think before you speak?

At a certain age a conversation is treasured. Meeting a stranger you are romantically interested in, the introduction and every word counts. When presenting an idea you are selling and asking for money. If a doctor tells you bad news, you are listening.

I personally talk to very few people. I don’t use the phone and have rare face-to-face conversations. Sending an email is still snail mail as you await a reply. The typos don’t show the real emotion of the moment and questions can be forgotten or skipped over, so I take the vocal exchange a cherished change to express thoughts and ideas and learn about the other person by listening.

In Kate Murphy’s book “We Are Not Listening and what we are missing” she talks about journalist and what they hear. They are trained and paid to ask questions of strangers and evaluate (without judging) the answers.

She also suggest we will never know another person, no matter how close we are. Even if you think you can finish someone else’s sentence, you can’t ever know their thinking process. As individuals we constantly change. That is what makes a conversation interesting.

Other tips for making communication better than just blowing air is:

·      Be present in the moment

·      Go with the flow

·      Open-ended questions

·      Stay out of the weeds

·      Don’t say what you don’t know

·      Avoid distractions

With little time left for face-to-face time with others, I attempt to listen more carefully. I have a bad habit of trying to finish the sentence to move on to the next subject, but I may be missing something new. I’m also trying to avoid using ‘You Know’ from my vocabulary.

Mostly I’ll just talk to myself until I realize I’m using my outside voice and stop, scorning myself on the effort to stay sane.