ANXIETY

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Defined as “mentally troubled”. “Uneasy”, “uncertain”, all words associate with being anxious.

Anxiety can be a protective reflex or a driving force.

The reason I thought about that word “anxiety” was last night’s storm. 

Now thunder and lightning are suppose to create some anxiety, like a siren or a warning signal, but I am obviously attracted to nature’s disruptions. 

Since the last hurricane I know I want to be a close observer, not a passive sheltered. Probably a trait learned from my mother, when I see bad weather coming I go out on the porch to meet it, settle down in my rocker, grab a cold drink and wait for it. 

A few years ago I felt part of the weather by basic living in a leaking unheated shed. 

Since I only ride two-wheels I’ve learned to understand and respect what the environment offers. Each day is organized by the weather patterns. Getting wet, while not preferred, can be rationalizes as you dry out. Cold requires more layers, heat requires sweat and hydration, wind requires attention and reaction, but the wonder of every day being in nature sensing the constant changes, the seasons variations is more than worth it.

As a kid, I didn’t know what “outside” was. Grew up in the “television baby sitter” era and wasn’t good at sport so other than going to the beach, I stayed in my climate controlled dark room. I don’t remember seeing any squirrels or birds or chipmunks when I was growing up. The only participation I had with nature was cutting the grass or attempting to trim a hedge. 

And now it is addictive. The constant movement colors and smells, when taken the time to observe and appreciate is the best and the cheapest entertainment one can have. 

So I sit on the porch expecting nature’s light show. While I wait the scent of the wet leaves fills the air. A rustle of leaves in the shadows reminds me this is their land and I’m only sharing it. Even though I am pre-programmed to supply food and water, they are perfectly capable to survive without my generous buffet. 

After checking the radar, refreshing my libation, I turn off the overhead light and settle in for the show. The passing light enlivens the waving texture of new leafage against rain soaked black bark. Then the sky flashes as almost day.

The tense feeling increases awaiting the humbling roar to follow.  

As the rain hardens, I go inside and bring out a guitar. By now I’ve had several adult beverages and am becoming engulfed by the pressure in the air and the rhythms in my head.

I softly plunk the nylon strings not wanting to disturb the quiet neighbors then I notice “anxiety”.

As the dark clouds move in my playing increases with more velocity. The intensity of the storm coming in has educed my anxiety and thus my playing. 

It is not the same anxiety when the roof was dripping into a bucket but a realization of the excitement of trying to play along with nature’s song.

After an hour or two or more, I stopped. The neighbors had gone to sleep long before and I thought it would probably be good for me to do the same.

Reluctantly I bide adieu to this singular experience having grown even closer to the coming season and the possibilities of what the following day may bring. 

The day is done as is the anxiety, we have made peace with each other, at least for tonight.