Spooky Santa

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Tis’ the season and I couldn’t avoid the obvious. With all the weird traditions at the end of the year like bringing foliage into the house, putting up boxes of bling, wearing ugly sweaters and sending cards to people we don’t know, we take our most precious processions (our children) to be fondled by some strange old man.

No, really, think about it from the kid’s point of view? It is bad enough as the adult unit responsible for the results of copulation to drag this unknowing but learning offspring to formalized education, accepted religion and association with other little people like yourself they call ‘family’ but every year when the weather starts getting chilly you drag us off to shopping centers but get mad when we get tired and meltdown. Like all other times you tempt us with candy and some toy that will break instead of listening to us.

This is the major temptation. Toys! Lots of Toys! And candy too!

This strange guy who is never spoken of until the end of the year will break into the house and bring lots of boxes wrapped in gaudy paper and bows under the evergreen hoping the dog won’t pee on them or the cat tear into the temptation before the sleepy kids can come downstairs to rip into rewards for being nice all year.

Now from what I remember from the Good Book, this season is suppose to be a celebration of a kid born in a barn. The marketing department just called and said they cannot make a profit off this story so another character needs to be created to sell the leftovers from a down year and get the books back into the black. How can a birthday create Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Local Store Saturday, Giving Tuesday….. What about Wednesday?

So there is this guy called Santa.

Story has it he lives up in the North Pole with Mrs. Clause, though no one ever sees her and a bunch of little midgets with pointed hats from the refugee tribe called Elves and some stinky deer. So this dude lives up in the ice and cold and all year makes an industry of toy manufacturing that even Mattel can’t match (don’t look at the real names for they are all in Chinese).

At the end of the calendar year, he wanders down from the cold to sit in a chair and have you offered your kids to sit on his lap and tell him secrets. They don’t know this guy. Why would they want to sit on his lap? Why choose this old dude in a red costume to be trusted with your kids?

This isn’t like the family reunions where you pressure your kids to hug Uncle Harry and when he starts rubbing his hands all over them you dismiss it, as he is just drunk. In this time of political correctness and moral reevaluation should we continue with this ancient tradition?

Let us take a look from the child’s point-of-view. This old guy with white whiskers and bad breathe who looks like those homeless hobos your parents tell you to avoid is now the most welcoming person on earth. Where is Santa on December 26?

To keep with the season, maybe Santa is God.

SHOCKED! Don’t be; think about it. This Santa guy is worshiped with relevance of a myth. He does kind of look like those old paintings of what is called the ‘All Mighty’. Besides, everywhere you look in December there is the omnipresent of Santa. He does seem to make magic with packages arriving under the tree faster than Amazon or UPS could deliver. Is he a super hero because he can train animals to fly?

Now take it one step further, if Santa is God wouldn’t you do anything possible to get your children to sit on his lap? The wait-line would get much longer. The Snow Princess in her slutty skirt and the snotty midget trying to take your photo couldn’t keep the peace so the public law enforcement would have to be called in and we all know where that will go.

Through all the work and effort and adulation of your children showered in excessive consumerism for one day doesn’t help you in July when Santa aren’t around.

Ho! Ho! Ho!