Holy Guacamole Captain Underpants

Who would believe it? Stay up late and click a few keys and the next day your underpants are delivered to your door. Ain’t life grand?

At the change of seasons, realizing that the few undergarments that were purchased a decade ago are become relics of another time, the decision was made to renew the underpants.

I’ve always been taught about underpants. I wore them when I sleep. I wore them when I went swimming. I only took them off in the shower. Tighty-whities were the only choice or at least my only reference under trousers. Would usually get a pack during the unwrapping of Christmas presents. What a swell gift in front of the family.

Boxers were never the option because everything had to be firmly in place. The washing was almost daily due to the grey fabric and the yellow stains. There was a drawer dedicated to replacements next to the socks and the handkerchiefs.

Imagine my dilemma when I realized there were only four choices in the underpants drawer. After a decade I was running low. Half were dilapidated with holes and smells the dryer sheets could not conquer.

There was the option to climb on the pony as I had done ten years previous and ride to the local Target (since that is the only place near by that I can purchase clothing) and push a big cart around through the mass of consumerism to look at the selections without the correct sizes or limited choices. Asking one of the red shirt associates or staff or whatever they are called would do no good for they were disinterested in customer service.

The other option (this is 2019) is to go online.

Being an Amazon Prime member (though I’ve not ordered anything in over a year) I do a search for ‘underpants’ and BINGO! Look at the selection in all the colors and sizes and shapes and holy guacamole Captain Underpants.

Now remember I’m not much of a fan of getting fitted. Years ago my mother would take me downtown to the department stores to get sized and groped by some little guy with a pencil behind his ear and a measuring tape around his neck rubbing his hands up and down my legs touch my junk.

When I started purchasing my own clothing, I’d find something that looked cool whether it was my size or not and figure it out. It was the same with shoes.

So here I was with all these options online in sizes that I thought would fit and added to my cart.

Just like in the department store, I thought about other items that could need replacement. Socks, long sleeve t-shirts, sweat resistant t-shirts were added before I knew what was happening.

Proceed to the checkout. Just like at the Tummy Temple, Amazon remembers my credit card number and me and approves my online request sending me an e-mail of my purchase and time for delivery the next day.

The next day was to be a rainy day and me thought there was no way a cardboard box with a smiley face would appear on my porch, but I waited.

The few things I’ve ordered online have mysteriously shown up without announcement. A guitar case and a pair of jeans that all fit. This shopping thing is getting easy.

Tomorrow I’ll shift from summer to winter attire putting away some of the clothing to wait until the heat comes back. I’ll also discard some museum elements that should have gone many years ago. The torn and sweat stained t-shirts can be replaced with the sparkling newbie’s waiting to be worn. Some will be cut up and go into the ragbag while others should be marked hazardous waste.

The cardboard box will be trimmed up and the plastic bags will be put in the recycle bin.

Now I just wait for the bill.