So you’ve had a crappy year and now is the season of cheer. It is time to buy presents to wrap and hand out to others to show them your appreciation and warm feelings.
Laid off and your unemployment checks have stopped? There is an eviction notice on the door? Your wife is eating Doritos while staring at the wall where the television used to be. Since the food stamps stopped been looking at the dog differently. Sold the kid’s laptops to pay for the electricity that just got turned off. The bong has a hole in it. Gone from craft beer to Rolling Rock. Picking up cardboard from behind the grocery while it is still dry. Dipping into the red kettle while the bell ringer isn’t looking.
This is a perfect time to have a shitty Christmas.
You may have enjoyed all the relatives coming over, sleeping on your couch, drinking all the good liquor, dirtying up the bathroom, eating you out of house and home and expecting some fancy thoughtful expensive gift before leaving you to clean up after them…Or maybe not.
This year is the best excuse to express yourself the way you always wanted to.
Here are some ideas:
Get a small Mason jar and pee in it. Put some food coloring in and wrap it with a big bow. Tell Frank, that alcoholic sot uncle of yours, that this is the perfect addition to his favorite drink mixture. Just pour it in the eggnog, fill up a glass and throw it back like a shot.
Tell you kids they have to walk the dog before Santa gets here. While the sheriff is putting the lock on the door, climb out a window and walk away. Maybe the kids will realize they were naughty after all?
Cook some brownies with Ex-lax and share with everyone. Remember there was no toilet paper at the store.
Take a pile of dog excrement and mold it into the form of a cup. Glaze it and write on it “To The Best Mom Ever”. Tell her the kids made it at school.
Use your imagination.
That and enough Mad Dog 20/20 will give you lots of ideas for gifts you always wanted to give.
Make 2020 a Christmas to remember.
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