The Bathroom

Supposedly the cleanest room in the house (and most private) is where we should be spending all our time during the lockdown. Can’t get no cooties in a sanitized porcelain room, right?

The bathroom is one of the most popular rooms in the house. Everyone uses it. It has everything you need. Running water, a comfy chair and plenty of reading material available.

The bathroom also has the best acoustics in the house.

No matter where you go, there is a bathroom. The office building, the stadium, the gym, the restaurant and the church all have bathrooms. All your friends have bathrooms and when you are over for a cookout…

We need all these bathrooms. Other than breathing and eating, we done got to go.

When your dog stops and squats, as a responsible person you carry a plastic bag and scoop the pooch poop. This is the acceptable way for them to use the bathroom. Bats, squirrels, cats, rats, spiders, birds, cows can go anywhere at anytime and no one has to pick up the poo. Instead Mother Nature waters it down and turns it into fertilizer.

Instead of doing our business on the side of the road like your dog (though sometimes needed if there is no attainable porta-potty) we created the bathroom. We didn’t want to carry trash bags around to properly remove our dump.

At home we use the loo one at a time, but when we go to out, we share the experience with others.

There was a time when there were only landline telephones. If someone had automotive problems, they would walk up to the nearest house and ask if they could borrow the phone. It was common courtesy.

What would you do if you get a knock on the door with someone asking to borrow your bathroom?

 This person is asking to do what your mother does, your kids do, and your friends do in your bathroom. They are not asking to take the towels home or offering to scrub the bowl. They are in need to eliminate last night’s dinner and got nowhere to go. If defecation is suppressed over long periods, problems can occur, such as constipation or stool impaction.

Are we concerned about the hygiene of a stranger to do the same thing in your house as they do in the office washroom? Are we worried they will use up all the t-paper? Are you fearful they will leave an aroma worse than Uncle Billy? Should we put a pay-lock on the stall?

Do you have any other items you are wary of loaning?

Would you let your brother borrow your lawnmower? Would you let your neighbor borrow your lawnmower? Would you lend your car? Would you lend your gun? Would you lend your wife?

If ‘your’ bathroom can be borrowed and used by strangers; what about lending your bed? What about your kitchen?

Whether it is your house or a rental, someone chose the latrine and sink and had them installed in an out-of-the-way spot. Someone chose the color, the facets, the placement and whoever lives here, the bathroom is an indication of who you are by your bathroom.

For all the visitors, you keep your most personal items behind a mirror door or in a drawer or on a shelf in full view. Any bathroom participant can come away knowing how you smell, what your dental hygiene habits are and what brand of tampon you purchase.

Be sure to check your homeowner’s insurance policy.

Toilet-related deaths are attributed to the drop in blood pressure due to the parasympathetic nervous system during bowel movements.

Don’t wind up like Elvis or Lenny Bruce.