“What are the 5 things you should not do in the bathroom?”

Pretty fall day today in the ole burg. Crunching leaves and raining wooden marbles with that cool breeze on the face bring in the season. The grocery store was packed and everyone was running around with panic on his or her faces. Don’t know what was such a big hurry? Don’t know what the big interest was in ketchup either? The sunshine felt good once out of the food zoo.

It was a usual Saturday plan for the day. Morning ride, put on the sweats, turn on the tube, find some good music, open a cold one and watch college football. And as usual, there was a thought this morning that had to be focused upon.

Starting a new blog and trying to get additional readers, I decided to try something new. One blog has not had much attention, so I will copy the first chapter and put it on the new blog with a link to follow the story on the old blog. Another old story I will do the same to with an additional offer to send the entire book in PDF. This is Marketing 101.

After that is done I’m going to try something new. Polls, investigative reporting, political spins or just trends; news sites are posting the top popular subjects. “What are the 5 things you should never say to your wife?” “What are the 10 goofiest jobs in the world?” “Where are the 7 best food trucks in Mali?” “21 things really, really rich people eat for breakfast?” and so on.

Having done some of this surveying in college I know how hard it is to gather the information to make comparison analysis to formulate a conclusion to the questions. Most questionnaires, as I recall, had a few questions that must be answered to complete the summary. Then there were more personal questions on preferences that delved into the human psyche.

All I found was that most people don’t want to be bothered by someone asking them questions. After a day of getting doors slammed in our faces, my classmate and I sat in his car and just filled in the boxes.

“Do you like soft or strong toilet paper?” “What is your favorite fragrance?” “How many times a day do you use toilet paper?” “Do you like colored toilet paper?” “Do you use toilet paper to blow your nose?” “Do you stock up on a ton of rolls of toilet paper as if a hurricane was coming and the store would be closed, but you didn’t think that the water might also be turned off so you clog up the pipes and now you are…?”

Then there are the ones that ask, “Would you vote for a guy who loves sci-fi adventures and dresses like a alien on weekends?” “Did you know your wife had to go to a free clinic in college?” “Would you answer the call of a stalker?” “Have you ever been a stalker?” and of course never, never answer those questions about your private life like “How do you rate your love life? 1. It’s OK,  2. Could be better,  3. What is a love life?,  4. Satisfactory,  5. Not bad,  6. Cuddly,  7. Orgasmic, or  8. Do you mean with my lover or my husband?

I’m getting on the bandwagon and the next couple of blogs will figure into this trend. You can help by suggesting topics and my crack research team will do in-depth studies to bring you the answers to the most puzzling questions on earth. By reading this stuff you will be the talk around the water fountain, be able to amaze your friends and family and become the most desirable conversationalist at any party.

Let’s begin with…..

“What are the 5 things you should not do in the bathroom?”

1.       Leave the door open

No matter why you are using the bathroom, always close the door. It is the most private space in the house and no one wants to think about why you are in there. Besides it traps in all the sounds and smells until it is open again. Note: You may want to bring an air freshener with you or you may not be invited back.

2.       Fart in the shower

Speaking of smells, this is just common sense. When you climb into a shower and pull the curtain or close the door you are trapped into a container where the only opening is down the drain.

If you’ve eaten something that may disagree with you, take a bath instead. You’ll just make bubbles.

3.       Use someone else’s toothbrush

Once you are in another’s bathroom it is almost impossible not to look in the medicine cabinet. That is where all the family goodies are stored. Pills and potions and creams and items used for whatever purposes are stored for easy access. The same is true for the cups and toothbrushes kept in easy reach for each member of the family. Don’t use one of the toothbrushes to scrap that spinach from between your teeth or that dog poor from your shoes. Note: Also don’t use the last of the toilet paper. Use the guest towel and refold it. You are not being invited back anyway.

4.       Sing in the shower

Remember the bathroom is the loudest room in the house. All that tile and porcelain and glass will amplify whatever sound is made in the bathroom (another reason to close the door). Your singing ability may no be the same as Beyounce or Justin Bieber, so those auditions to “American Idol” you wish to share with the world, don’t really want to be heard by the rest of the household. Just hum along with the purpose you are in there for and wait for the hairbrush in front of a mirror in your bedroom to scare the cat.

5.       Leave the toilet seat up

This is a tough one. Every house has its own proper position of the toilet seat and the lid. Some are colorful and decorated and want to be shown off. Some need to be closed to hide that the bowl has not been cleaned since last years Super Bowl. If you are married, you will never get it right. Just say, “Yes mama” and follow her orders. They will change tomorrow.

So wasn’t that fun. Send in your request and then I won’t have to come up with some more silliness. If you can’t think of anything to suggest, check here tomorrow and see what I come up with.