Holiday Shopping

It is time again to make that shopping list and venture out into the internet or brick and mortar stores to fill your carts with all the gifts to be wrapped and placed under the tree to be a surprise to family and friends. It is one of our best commercial traditions ever invented in the Lord’s name.

The twenty-fifth of December will be nothing more than a Wednesday to me. I’ll be thinking about the New Year’s taxes and the political nonsense going full tilt until the sunshine returns warming up the old bones.

Until then I’ll check out the ‘Black Friday’ specials to see what the cultural hits are this year.  Here is what I found.

The usual items are always popular.

Fleece is the new fur, so everyone cuddle up with hoodies and snugglies and a plaid union suit for those nights you are to cheap to turn up the heat.

Underwear. What says “Merry Holiday” more than a pair of tighty whities opened in front of everyone? Even if it some sex linguine, this is not the place for that.

Followed by the seasonal sweater or t-shirt or ridiculous hat with antlers that will quickly go to the back of the closet to rot. First take some pictures and post online at your poor taste.

Here is one I never understand. Male grooming items? Now this holiday is about a bearded guy (either one) and the guys get trimmers and shavers and smelly sauce to splash on their face to have the fragrance of a sailor or a ninja or a lumberjack. This is not the time to give the ladies some sweet perfume because that is for those intimate moments.

While we are talking about the guys, seems any hammer or screwdriver or belt sander is the perfect stocking stuffer. Since no one goes in the shop to realize the variety of rusting tools gathering dust in drawers or hanging on walls, what is one more to the collection?

Since this day is about the kids (right?) the search for the latest addiction in games or toys must raise the fog of congressional inquiries. Not having kids of my own, I cannot find the latest Cabbage Patch doll or Beanie Baby so maybe this year would be some sort of electronic computerized game? Just hand the kid a gift card and hope for the best.

What about the old folks? They are leftover from Thanksgiving and will last until the ball drops. They don’t like your opinions, love the children until they get their diapers changed (you figure it out) and whatever you offer is never good enough. Luckily they nap a lot. You could buy them a jet ski or yoga pants or Bluetooth headphones or a basketball or just throw the money out the window. Wrap them in a blanket and mash up the food until their meds kick in. Family.

What about that special gift?

Jewelry is always nice as a big surprise but it makes everything else seem shabby in comparison. Don’t propose on Christmas day. If the box is opened and not immediately cherished, move on.

If you really, really know that special person and have spent months and dollars finding the ‘perfect present’ only to be disappointed being distracted by the wrapping paper mounds, television flashes, passing cookies and eggnog, constant conversations on another subject, Christmas tunes blaring, dogs and children scattered about to lose focus of the moment.

Now if that ‘special gift’ is a car, it will make every other gift frivolous and worthless. Be careful what you present at the holidays.

Now kitchen appliances might seem a practical gift, but just like all the fondue cookers you got as wedding presents, no one wants to open the glittery paper and ribbons to find a vacuum or a washer/dryer. They may be very practical, but this is the season for rejoicing.

Spirits are always a fine gift. On the day of celebration, no one looks at the label to see how much you spent or even the alcohol content. Just pour it into the punch bowl and slush it down. Be sure to put away your kids before you begin for in the morning you’ll have no idea where they are.

This is the season where everyone feels heartfelt for the disadvantaged. Throw some change into the red pots or donate some time to your local charity or faith base organization to smile and fill some bowls with food you would not eat wearing rubber gloves then wash off before the family gathers. They will still be standing outside.

How about a cute cuddly animal? Kittens don’t sit still in stockings but puppies are a perfect photo moment. After they are named and slept on the sofa, they are still here. Just like birthing children, they are your responsibility to feed and shelter and clean up after until they are old enough…. Oh what, these furry critters are never old enough to clean up after themselves. They won’t learn French or travel to grandmas or care to decipher the Bible. When they barf, it is up to you to care for them.

After the piles of trash are gathered up filling the waste receptacles awaiting the big trucks to haul away, Christmas is done for this year.

There is still time to do something different.

Instead of spending your time putting up lights and cutting down trees, what about picking up trash? Maybe the neighbors won’t know why you didn’t join into their cultural traditions, but you will.

For the crafters, knitting a scarf or sewing a quilt and delivering it to a local shelter will mean more. Know someone with a problem to a house or car? If you have the expertise, a few hours without pay will be the most rewarding experience ever. Ever thought about getting a marker and a pad of paper and drawing a coloring book for the ones who would be surprised by the story they told you? Take a few crumbs and spread it out on the lawn. They will be appreciated.

While you are searching for that perfect gift, whether it be a gigantic television screen you can fall asleep in front of or some magic speaker who will turn on your lights and listen to you while you are snoring or some sort of shelter in place system who will record porch pirates taking your presents you forgot you bought.

I enjoy the hurry and rush of the season. People dressed in their layers of last years winter clothing, in a frantic hurry to gather the last bit of tinsel or a few sheets of poorly designed thin paper on a toilet paper tube. It is like the panic to get popcorn before the movie begins.

Still it is a tradition we all follow. There is something special about ending the year with a new teddy bear or smiles from those around you, if even for a moment.

Some say it is the season for hope and joy to raise us above from our daily drudgery of survival so let us get lost in our comics and fantasies. Hopefully the young will learn it is better to be kind to each other, but history shows we grow out of that. Even this holiday moved onto a cross. Not a merry ending.

While you and yours struggle through the masses grabbing items to please each other and complaining in lines while accumulating senseless debt, the sun will rise and the sun will set and another day will be marked off the calendar.

As for me, I’ll not adhere the custom of decorations but will appreciate the traditions. The one day that everything is shut down, I’ll venture out on the empty streets. This day is like no other.

The yard critters will always have a feast, even thought they don’t know it is Christmas. Everyday Santa brings them joy.

If I can help a neighbor or feed those lost in the winter, I’ll try. Station #16 will get a pie. No questions asked.

On December 26, the sun will rise and everyone will prepare for champagne, balloons and midnight kisses.