What a cool idea. A “Space Force” to be created to… er, defend cyberspace
from …. Or maybe shoot down them aliens that we don’t see before they enter the
atmosphere and take away American jobs?
First of all there has to be a uniform. Brown and tan and green has been
used by the Army and the Navy and Coast Guard have pretty well captured whites.
The Air Force has been associated with blue. Orange would make them look like
prisoners and the NASA astronauts already take silver. Black is for Ninjas and
Purple is for Minnesota Vikings, so maybe mauve or crimson?
Who would compose this “Space Force”? One can only look at the film
history to make the selection that follows.
First, there has to be a Captain. Someone tall and blonde with a chiseled
jaw and a tight fitting uniform that can holler commands without understanding
the possible outcome is the perfect candidate for captain. The captain is also
the love interest so if there is an encounter with some weird green blob
doesn’t mind being probed and prodded. A captain could be a he or a she or they
(it is a new world order) but not sure what would happen when attacked and the
drag queen couldn’t get the lipstick right? The captain also needs to wear a
cape. Just because a cape would look cool.
Second, someone needs to Pilot. The captain never drives the ship and
probably doesn’t know how to use a stick shift so there has to be a
second-class duty officer who can take commands and steer this thing. Once
behind the wheel, the pilot just needs to floor the pedal with wild abandon
like a NASCAR racer to get into hyper-super-duper-speed. Should probably wear
WWI goggles and leather jacket and cavalry boots and maybe a meth head. The
pilot’s special powers is to forget directions.
Third, we need a Doctor. Space is a dangerous place and even a hangnail
could be life threatening, so when the call goes out for a medic, someone needs
to show up. The doc should also be the moral compass for the ‘Space Force’. The
doctor is also the mixologist who prepares all the concoctions that keep the
crew happy. You need to be happy in outer space where you drink your own pee.
The doctor’s secret power is to read minds.
Fourth, is the need for a General? There has to be some military overlord
for who would yell “Fire The Missiles”. The general also provides command
conflict with the captain on who has the power and control of the ‘Space
Force’. The general has no special powers but to run the communication system
that constantly needs upgrades. The general is comic relief.
Fifth, is the Kid? There is always some kid getting in the way and
causing trouble. The kid should be some sort of whiz who can solve problems
experienced crewmembers can’t figure out. If the kid is just an annoying
teenage pimple faced boy he’ll be sacrificed in the first episode, but if she’s
some cute chippy she can double as the screaming and fainting femme fatale so
the captain can save her from the space baddies. Maybe the kid can become
invisible due to teenage depression?
Sixth would be the Wizard. Could be a scholar or a bot or a hybrid alien
who sits in the corner brooding over strange computer calculations or defining
audio waves from the beyond? He/she/or it is on the force as a sort of a Liberians
Google Rolodex that Siri can’t match, plus the wizard can shoot heat rays from
the eyes.
Seventh and last would be the Ole Guy. There always seems to be an old
guy sitting around and not doing much, but has some wisdom in experience. The
old guy might be rocking by the cracker barrel at the general store or Maude,
but now and then knows the solution that no one else could understand or comprehend;
yet it works. What’s in the pipe that he’s smoking? The old guy’s special power
is to bore the aliens while the captain, wizard, pilot and kid can get the ship
out of danger or at least change the battery.
So there you have it. The ‘Space Force’ is ready for action. These space
cadets will do whatever it takes to spend the taxpayer’s dollars for an unknown
purpose.
Sign up now and join them.
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