“Hello?”
“Hello, is this 1245 Kingston
Way?”
“Yes, who is calling?”
“ I’d like to speak to Billy.
This is Santa.”
“Sure…. I’ll get him.”
“Thank you.”
“B-I-L-L-Y? The phone is for
you!!”
(Who was that guy? He sounded
old. Better check Billy’s social media contacts.)
“Hello?”
“Is this Billy? Billy
Bumerstein?”
“Yeah sure…. Who is this?”
“This is Santa”
“Santa?”
“You know…. The guy who comes
down the chimney…. have the reindeer sleigh…Ho Ho Ho.”
“Sure…. What do you want with
me?”
“Well, Billy, I’ve got some bad
news for you this year and I didn’t want to wait until the 25th for
you to find out.”
“What’s that ole fat man?”
“Well, Billy. It seems you’ve
been naughty this year.”
“So?”
“Billy, there will be no toys
this year.”
“That is a hoot old guy. Are
you selling insurance? I’m not giving you my credit card number. I’m no fool.
This is a roo-boo call and I’m not falling for it.”
“Sorry Billy, but there will be
no toys under the tree this year. If you keep this up maybe never again?”
“This is a good scam you perv
and I ain’t buying it. I always get toys. I know you are fake and my mom and
dad buy all that loot under the tree and I get plenty…. Every year.”
“Billy”
“?”
“Listen up dude. I’ve got many
more on my list to call because I don’t want to answer all those reviews and comments
on Santa.com when you kids get nothing. You’ve been on the naughty list for
some time and I’ve fudged to get you a Power Ranger or a Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtle while your folks fought off the authorities trying to reprocess their
car and foreclose on your house, but this year you’ve gone too far.”
“What did I do?”
“Do you remember at the pool
when you saw Sally climb out and snap her suit bottom?”
“Oh yeah, sure do. That was
like awesome. Wait a minute? How did you know what I was thinking?”
“Everyone around the pool knew
what you were thinking son.”
“ Those pants were too tight!”
“Well you are old enough to
start realizing being naughty doesn’t get you rewards, so there will be no toys
this year.”
“Yeah, well what about last
year when I rubbed up against Sarah Bingboom’s butt? Boy, that felt good and
still I got toys.”
“I know Billy. I’m just
catching up on my database now and refreshing my ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’ columns.”
“Hey, that is not my problem you
hobo street scum. I want my toys and I want them under the tree so I can take
selfies of all my new stuff to impress all my friends and…”
“Sorry, Billy but it won’t be
happening this year. I may be able to slip a lump of coal in your stocking but
it is a busy night and I’ll probably just pass by.”
“You can’t….”
“Billy; I can. I’m Santa
Clause.”
“It’s not even your
birthday!!!!!”
“Goodbye Billy and good luck.”
Click
“Mom! The guy on the phone said
I wasn’t getting any toys for Christmas because I was naughty. I am getting
toys…. Right?”
“Well, Billy. I’ve been meaning
to tell you. You’re father will not be coming home tonight. He was picked up by
ICE agents and will be deported. Sister won’t be coming home because she ODed
in jail. The car was just towed and I’m leaving with your uncle Jack before
they clear out the house for demolition to build that new highway. Go down to the
corner and see if Mother Zuma can take you in between johns. If not, hang out
for a while until the cops find a foster home for you. Good luck kid.”
“Merry Christmas”
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