I don’t know how to spit

This subject is a bit gross so you may want to turn away the heads of the little ones or NSFW or whatever the initials are for not suitable for those with weak stomachs.

Every morning as I brush my teeth, I rinse in the sink and the spray goes everywhere and then I think, “I never learned how to spit”.

Sure I went to the dentist and he put that little napkin around my neck and after trying to get me to talk to him while having a mouth full of mirrors, spikes and hoses, he would say “Spit”. There was a little bowl at chin level with water running that I could drool into.

Defined, spitting is the act of expectorating saliva or that frothy secretion mucus called phlegm from the mouth. It is not a glamorous act. In some countries, it is a sign of disrespect. If done incorrectly it may become a splatter or a dribble down your chin.

Why do I even mention such a disgusting subject? Growing up as a guy there are certain things you have to do. Call them a rite of passage. Things like catching a frog with your bare hands, hitting a ball with a bat, having a fight and getting a bloody nose, skinny dipping in a pond, learning to ride a bike, getting a hickey, smoking a cigarette, masturbating, swearing and hocking a loogie.

Like peeing against a tree, boys learn to bond by spitting. I don’t know where they learn it. Maybe it is passed down from an older brother but I don’t think my brother hocked a loogie either. There is a certain sound made in this process of chocking up your body liquids and expelling them through the air. There are even contest to see how far you can spit.

OK, I’ll stop all these nauseating images to keep you from vomiting, which is another expelling exercise, but my point is there are lots of these kinds of habits that are so gross that we don’t even realize we are doing. If you don’t believe me, the next time you are stopped at a red light, look at the person in the car next to you. If they are not talking on the phone, which they probably are, they are picking their nose or cleaning out their ears or scratching inappropriate places or producing some sort of nocuous gas.

I guess I could have worst problems. So if I didn’t make the cut-off list because I never learned to spit then so be it. I can be as obnoxious at home alone but I will straighten up and act right in public.

What’s that smell?

Unhappy Mother’s Day

On this special day, I wonder why there isn’t a Son’s Day or a Daughter’s Day? I mean there are a Mother’s Day and a Father’s Day and even though they were not 9 months apart and they should be. You don’t need a Grandfather’s Day or a Grandmother’s Day because the Mom and Pop days cover that. But us kids had to deal with whoever brought us into this world.

I had a mother. You had a mother. All my friends have mothers. If not you would not be reading this.

Most of us have one but some have two mothers. A birth mother and an adopted mother maybe a bonus or a lost. Some of us even have a second mother from a friend whose mother took you into their family and treated you like a son.

Those photos of women holding babies, they have a different look on their face. Not like looking at a brother and a sister or even a mother or a husband, it is a special look. The look of a mother is different than anything else. These ladies transform when they become mothers. Some are equipped to handle the burden and some are not.

There is something special in the female of our species that wants for this maternal behavior. Perhaps it is environmental or something in the DNA but I’ve not ever been there and will never understand.

So after a couple proclaims to the state that they will live together forever and the state allows the union, the next question is “when are you going to raise a family?”  The cultural formula of kissing in a tree, then comes love, and then come marriage, then come mother with a baby carriage. A woman is pressured to show she is fertile and become acceptable in the mother-mode society. The father struts around proud handing out cigars to show how viral he is.

But it always doesn’t happen that way.

I may have had another brother that I never knew about. Even though this subject is volatile and creates strong emotions, this is part of reality of growing up.

When the word “Pregnant” arises, life-changing decisions must be made. To some it is a blessing and yet to others it is not. Factors like age, financial ability, and even the knowledge and commitment to the other person are all questioned.  To start a family is a massive responsibly.

Only recently and with much discussion was a procedure readily available for averting a family. Not covered by medical plans but better than the back street option, clinics offered an alternate solution to a possible mistake.

I’m not promoting or demoting this option but motherhood with all it’s rewards and warm fuzzy feelings comes with puking and dirty diapers, bad school grades and hospital visits, dating and camps and the driving experience. Some women seem to adore the situations while others deal with the necessary. Then there are some who should not go that route.

Mothers can be proud of their offspring and even guarantee there will always be someone to run to for help. That is until the help needs help. Mothers can be just as frustrating as the rest of us.

So I wish a happy Mother’s Day to all of you who survive the experience of motherhood. I appreciate the effort you must put in to raise us gnarly kids.

Yet, every ejaculation does not have a name.

Idiosyncrasy

We all have them. Those little things that we do each and every day that makes us unique. They are our idiosyncrasies.

Putting on one shoe before the other one. Putting on a shirt with a regular pattern. Brushing your teeth from right to left or left to right is just another pattern of your personal idiosyncrasies.

It might just seem the usual habit or those little quirky things that make you what you are. You don’t realize these idiosyncrasies happen because they have become habit.

They don’t ask the questions on your employment application or on those meet-someone-special websites (I think) about your idiosyncrasies. Your friends realize them and accept them and strangers have to find out something about you beyond your name.

Some might think these little actions make you eccentric. Before I put on my helmet, I blow into it. There is no reason to do that but it is one of those little idiosyncrasies I do. I never knew I did it until one day I was talking to someone while loading my bike and they asked, “Why do you blow into your helmet?” Now every time I get ready to ride I smile when I do it.

These little actions may appear irrational to someone else, but for those who want to be close, they will be accepted. Some idiosyncrasies can be changed while others must adapt to. Most idiosyncrasies are just shared with a little laugh.

During a troubled marriage, we went to see if there was a possible solution. The man who had married us was now practicing marriage counseling. This was the man who said we had to put “God” into our vows. After a brief Q&A he suggested we change our idiosyncrasies. Put on a different shoe in the morning, change your patterns and everything will be all right. Like shaking hands with the left instead of the right, it didn’t work out.

Individual behavior whether acceptable or not does make us all unique. Luckily, in most places, if we follow the cultural norm or don’t stand out from the crowd, we can keep our idiosyncrasies to ourselves.

Innocent or Naïve?

You go to a party. Everyone there seems friendly enough and similar to your family and friends so it is easy to fit in. You go to the bar for an excuse to talk and scan the room for a familiar face.

This is a typical weekend activity. It maybe a special occasion or a local drinking establishment but it is easier to mingle when you have a friend or at least a wingman.

Once the essential questions about family, health, travel and work the conversations wanders to celebrities or books or entertainment or even politics to share or promote your opinion. This is how we make friends. Those who laugh at our jokes and agree at our opinions are easier to continue sharing space with.

There are many categories like Politics, Business, Entertainment, Technology, Media, World Events, Healthy Living, Comedy, Lifestyles, Sports, Science, Celebrity, and Religion for people to talk about. These subjects and every variation are all over with constant comments from friends and strangers to view or read or hear and even more opinionated talking heads out in the world to persuade. It is a lot to take in and absorb.

But what if you have no idea of what the other person is talking about? Without the desire to be part of the “in” crowd one can lose track of all those conversation subjects.  If none of the provincial followings create an interest, you don’t get the jokes.

Is it a sign of innocence or a naïveté to ignore the current trends and just follow what others say? If the person you listen to is interesting in their presentation or with a trusted opinion you can formulate what is important without wasting all the time watching or reading or listening or following all the crap that makes up today’s media. 

Instead of worrying about Lynsay whatsamawhosit going to rehab or why Johnny whoseamacallit is caught up in the latest stupidity or even understanding the latest SNL takeoff because you have never seen the original. It may cut down on your replies to the remarks but it allows time to understand what the other is really saying.

So until I find a new interest or a sparkle of desire, I’ll listen to what you say and smile.

Till Death Do Us Part

Have you ever listened to the wedding vows?

You may have said these words, but do you know what you were saying?

This is a typical wedding vow.

“I _____, take you ______,

To be my wedded wife/husband.

To have and to hold,

From this day forward,

For better, for worse,

For richer, for poorer,

In sickness or in health,

To love and to cherish

'Till death do us part?

And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.”

Ever try to break them down? What are you really saying? 

To “have and to hold”? What does that mean? I think it has something to do with wedding night. I may be a reference to prom night but I don’t know.

For “better or for worse”? How bad can it get, we say at the special occasion not even thinking it could be bad. But we “vow” to stick with it no matter what.

How about “for richer or for poorer”? Really? Wait till the bills start piling up and see if there isn’t a nightly battle. If only one works and brings in the revenue but both want their usual “necessities” there will be struggles. Maybe that is why it is in the vow?

In “sickness and in health” comes to mind when we both had the flu. When we both are down and out and in such agony without enough energy to clean up after the other the idea of this vow is the distant thought of our minds. And it does take a special something to nurse your significant other for years.

Of course there is all that gooey stuff about “to love and to cherish”. You want to insure a kiss at the end of this speech.

Then it gets weird. “Till Death Do Us Part”? This one line promises that the wedding will guarantee the two will stay together forever or until one of the two will die. The normal tradition and history has the man going first, usually due to being the oldest and because he doesn’t take care of himself while trying to be the provider and protector. This is the culture that has been taught or at least accepted in my culture but it doesn’t always happen that way.

 Then we get to the “faithfulness” vow. But before I do, lets take another look at some variations of vows.

“I pledge to you my life as an obedient, faithful and loving wife.”

Some of the older or more religious vows said the wife would be “obedient”. What is up with that? That is real old school but even if the words aren’t said today, is the thought still there?

“Through the pressures of the present and the uncertainties of the future I promise to be faithful to you. I will love, serve, and obey you as long as we both are alive.”

With the “uncertainties of the future” is a good phrase. Who really knows what is going to happen? My problem is the “I promise to be faithful to you.” Who can promise that? The “serve and obey” sounds like a restaurant or a dog.

Then there it is again. “As long as we both are alive.” So all bets are off when one dies?

The Dating Game

Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two people with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The term “dating” usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple.

The most common idea of  “dating” is two people trying out a relationship and exploring whether they're compatible by going out together in public as a couple, who may or may not yet be having sexual relations. This period of courtship is seen as a precursor to engagement or marriage.

Before we get ahead of ourselves, how does this “dating” start? As I remember it was in the early teen years. Boys and girls had been kept apart except in organized and sponsored activities like school or church. No one of the authority figures including teachers, preachers, and parents ever talked about the attraction between the genders.

There are lots of forms of dating. Blind Dating always seemed my favorite. This is true adventure when you have no idea who the other person is. To meet a stranger from a tweet or an email or a phone call and agree to find out more is most courageous. A chance to make a new friend or a mere passing acquaintance takes some guts. Yet the possibility to find romance or even the perfect one is worth it.

Double Dating can take some of the fear out of blind dating. The buddy system helps the conversation and leaves an escape if things go bad. Then again double dating can be dangerous if the “double” gets interested in “your” date and becomes trouble.

For years the proper process for dating was the male participant requested the female to spend time with each other. There were phone calls, flowers, showers, and fancy dress to impress each other. For the wallflowers someone invented the Sadie Hawkins’ dance where the female could invite the male. This gave a twist to the natural order of things until the women’s revolution of the 70’s and now is just an acceptable notion.

When dating starts getting serious the couple declares to the world they are Going Steady. This change is status isn’t engagement but will require the exchange of rings and jackets and always be seen wrapped around each other. By going steady you have told the world there is no one else in the entire planet that will be as attractive as our partner. It may even lead to physical intensity.

Now dating means to be seen by your friends or schoolmates or office associates to impress them your emotional connection. A social acceptable activity for such a display is dancing. Dancing is usually a group activity where everyone can jump up and down and laugh and sway to the music and perhaps have an adult beverage or two. Dancing doesn’t take a lot of skill but like sports, works up the blood pressure and heart rate. Of course toward the end of the evening there is the slow dance.

The “L” word starts popping around and the next thing you know she is looking at flowers and cakes and dresses and you are thinking, “What just happened?” It doesn’t always happen that way but the “L” word takes it to another level.

Breaking up? Dating doesn’t always work out. When one of the couple or maybe both realizes that being together isn’t the best of all worlds or perhaps there is a new attraction from afar, they break up. They don’t actually break but the partnership splits so they can go and find new possibilities.

In the early teen years when this “dating game” happens there is excitement, passion, mood swings including depression and sometimes verification. It is a rite of passage timidly looked forward to and once involved like a whirlwind unaware of the outcome.

The “dating game” is fun to play, at any age, and sometimes there are no winners.

If I’m Not Here When You Get Home

I saw this or heard this or something and thought, “What a great title for a breaking up song!” I haven’t come up with the words or tune yet but it is a great line.

It could be from the point of view of the person coming home and finding the other who is usually there gone. It could be a note left on a refrigerator or a tweet. It could be the realization of former bad times or just a shock.

It could be from the other point of view of escaping a situation. A long uncomfortable relationship finally avoided or an alternate adventure started. Will the words be enough to explain an action that may have been inevitable or logical rationalization for an emotional rescue?

Or it could be just the realization of a missing in the familiar.