Monday, May 13, 2013

I don’t know how to spit

This subject is a bit gross so you may want to turn away the heads of the little ones or NSFW or whatever the initials are for not suitable for those with weak stomachs.
Every morning as I brush my teeth, I rinse in the sink and the spray goes everywhere and then I think, “I never learned how to spit”.
Sure I went to the dentist and he put that little napkin around my neck and after trying to get me to talk to him while having a mouth full of mirrors, spikes and hoses, he would say “Spit”. There was a little bowl at chin level with water running that I could drool into.
Defined, spitting is the act of expectorating saliva or that frothy secretion mucus called phlegm from the mouth. It is not a glamorous act. In some countries, it is a sign of disrespect. If done incorrectly it may become a splatter or a dribble down your chin.
Why do I even mention such a disgusting subject? Growing up as a guy there are certain things you have to do. Call them a rite of passage. Things like catching a frog with your bare hands, hitting a ball with a bat, having a fight and getting a bloody nose, skinny dipping in a pond, learning to ride a bike, getting a hickey, smoking a cigarette, masturbating, swearing and hocking a loogie.
Like peeing against a tree, boys learn to bond by spitting. I don’t know where they learn it. Maybe it is passed down from an older brother but I don’t think my brother hocked a loogie either. There is a certain sound made in this process of chocking up your body liquids and expelling them through the air. There are even contest to see how far you can spit.
OK, I’ll stop all these nauseating images to keep you from vomiting, which is another expelling exercise, but my point is there are lots of these kinds of habits that are so gross that we don’t even realize we are doing. If you don’t believe me, the next time you are stopped at a red light, look at the person in the car next to you. If they are not talking on the phone, which they probably are, they are picking their nose or cleaning out their ears or scratching inappropriate places or producing some sort of nocuous gas.
I guess I could have worst problems. So if I didn’t make the cut-off list because I never learned to spit then so be it. I can be as obnoxious at home alone but I will straighten up and act right in public.
What’s that smell?

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