Sunday, February 5, 2017


What a Wonderful Way to Waste a Sunday Afternoon
It is time for the BIG GAME.

“What big game” you ask and well you may very well be right, but we will experience every moment to see.
After a three hour nap called sleep and a refreshing 36-degree ride to the Tummy Temple, I settle in to watch and report whatever happens today.
So far I’ve seen the U.S. Mail being delivered on a Sunday and didn’t know they did that. The aisles were filled with young women in black tights checking their list and the staff wearing football jerseys. The sun is coming out and the temps are supposed to be in the mid-50s. After opening the critter crewe buffet I see my groundhog checking his shadow (actually a Beau-Beau woke up early and is already feasting).
Climb into my comfy clothes and ready myself for this athletic contest smothered in explosions, talking heads, stats and very expensive commercials. The taxes are done (it is easy when it is the same thing every year) and my other projects for the day is shredding old files and ridding myself of old cassettes (played on a dirty playback machine makes the decision easy). All the fixings’ for nachos await but my tummy isn’t feeling up to it (yet?).
High noon: so let us begin our journey.
LI could be a popular surname in China but we will call it the Lithium Bowl. Yikes! It is already started with a loud white guy in day-glo yellow shoes yelling and then there is this big black man who used to play football yelling and between them some little girl in pink (the NFL uses girls now for eye-candy filler now) as referee. Let us start off with the anger that is sweeping our nation and get everyone in an uproar.
The Falcon’s bus leaves the hotel. Oh the pathos. What excitement is in store?
Beach Boys and the Byrds start the musical soundtrack of the day. Both excellent harmonies except when the tape is dragging slowing down the pitch. Soon followed by Linda Ronstadt, Yes, the Kings’ Men, and Howard Roberts. I will need an ear washing after this.
Now to an empty stadium with more talking heads. Two black guys and two white guys refereed by a blond chick but Walmart hides their shoes.
Wow! Two guys just got handed tickets to the game. That is SUPER.
NRG (power provider) stadium in Houston now presents the stats that nerds will love and newspapers will print but it really doesn’t matter why we are here. We are here to watch huge men bump into each other and knock each other down. We don’t even want to know where the president’s taxes are.
Drink as much beer and you can hold and eat mounds of nasty food until your stretch pants won’t stretch anymore. If you are a manufacturer or an accounting firm or a mom-and-pop retail shop, plan on your employees coming in late, if not calling in sick. This is indulgence day.
Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference in these war bloods and blow ‘em up explosion violent video games and the football promos?
Now we see our first preview of the main characters of the show. Not the football team but the Fox hound celebrities of old football players and a manager refereed by a black sportscaster.
Much singing and flashing lights while the families are gathering in the kitchens and preparing feast while gentlemen start to struggle over which running back will run and who can or cannot catch a deflated ball.
To fill the time there are one-on-one interviews with the ‘star’ players but what about the left guard or the right tackle or the punter? The kitchen smells good.
Check back to the Internet to see if anything else interesting is going on and of course it isn’t. Martians could invade this country while all our focus is on a football game with the reward of a silver phallus and we’d never notice.
Pat’s motto: Do You Job. Not bad for a bunch of guys who have exercised more than most of us will ever imagine and are making a whooping paycheck but only for a few years because other than broadcasting (and you got to be pretty for that) there is no other football out there to retire to.
Kraft gets all teary-eyed talking about the Pats. Will that throw the game?
Should there be a Red Carpet for a football game and an up-date on bus traffic? ‘Fitz and the Tantrums’? How far out of it am I? Put your hands together. Impressions with titles to explain who it is suppose to be? And now the space station does its stick?
Now we are talking, Joe Buck just showed up and Sulu buys a pizza. Oh my? Now an exclusive white house interview with the Golden Boy from Bill O’Reilly’s archives and what is he looking at? The Pats will win by 8? Points. Now there is an interview with the half time entertainer Gag-Gag. What happened to football?
Now we are getting down to it. The coaches and the quarterbacks are interviewed and John Cash is getting us patriotic about our old flag and a couple of commercials for potions that will reduce your pain. Why didn’t they interview the cheerleaders or the waterboy?
Hall of fame class of black players who attended segregated colleges. It is time for more commercials. Think I’ve seen them before?

OK, the Pattycakes and the Falcoons are on the striped turf and ready for another commercial break. Shoot ‘em up sci fi movie, Sulu again, those strange 3-D glasses, promo for a TV series, football in fast cars where if you win you get to drink milk, and a spot for the NFL.
More patriot singing and Belicheck is NOT wearing a ratty sweatshirt. One wonders of all the cables and wires and yes, even Wi-Fi flying around that big cement dome. Luke Ryan, 4x entertainer of the year and I’ve never heard of him. Where is that great big flag they always drag out? Did somebody lose it? Oh there is a flag, but it is a weenie. Why don’t they have one that faces the other side?
Time for some more commercials. Naked lady in a shell. OK. Rap burgers. Medical insurance and another patriot commercial for Coke, a cooking show for kids, another sci-fi series and back to the ball game. Well almost.
It is time to wheel out the ole president and his wife for the coin toss. Atlanta wins and defers.
More commercials. A car will get you unstuck, even if the ladder falls and you are on the roof.
Now it is time for the game for real, this time.

First play an incomplete pass but the second connects. 3rd and one and didn’t get it running. The other side started to move but didn’t.
Time for a Google commercial, check your phone for tires, witchcraft avocados and some little girl running out on the field to hand the zebra the football.
Brady has a lot of time to pass and they are connecting. Oops, I was wrong.
Arnie is back to keep up the ratings I guess, special effects for H&R Block. And very strange Skittles gobble commercial.
Might be a defensive / offensive line game?
Bush beer makes too much noise, oil = good, and some weird thing with cats on remote vacs and panda eating bamboo.
First quarter and no score.

Art can make a fresh drink, Intel eating off the floor, Airbud getting along with each other, World of tanks, screaming women and tanks, Australian wine and a guy in a yellow suit.
Pirate zombies, elephants on treadmill selling pistachios, crazy kids football selling cars are the next batch.
New England confused.
More violence with a little girl, T-mobile dancing commercial, and another NFL promo are the next set of commercials. Terry took his coat off.
Pattycakes time out didn’t work, no matter what kind of paper Bill writes on and the Falcoons get a TOUCHDOWN!
A Honda commercial with creative yearbook pictures, serious tea commercial, and some more shoot’em up mechanical destruction movie and then we turn back to the game.
Tide commercial with Terry again, and a bearded guy and a guy in a yellow vest talking phone, and another commercial for the 24+legacy gets us through another bit of time.
Got it! And another TOUCHDOWN for the Falcoons. Leap but a bit too soon and will redo. All for not and it is time for more commercials.
Coke and more food, ‘The Handmaids Tale’ which doesn’t look very friendly, smelly bathroom break, some weird ninja floor mats, and then we are back to the game, again.
Down the block the kids who are not interested in the game are in the back yard doing what kids do. They are jumping around, yelling and screaming, repeating the same words over and over and over and over again and banging on stuff. Put a jersey on them and send them in coach.
Holding penalty and move the sticks. Gronk is watching in Belichecks sweatshirt and wondering. Another hold against the Atlanta and the Pats move down the field. Getting close but dropped the ball. Oops! It was another hold by Atlanta.
There you go!!! Atlanta picks off Tommy and runs for another TOUCHDOWN. That is the way it happens.
O’Boy some more commercials. Lots of kids but where are the dogs and ponies? Oh, another red very expensive car. Exercise and then drink beer. Sounds good to me.
Selling tax on the phone with broken eggs, another expensive red car, and another shoot ‘em up drive fast violent movie, and back to flaming phallic footballs. I see a bit of repetition.
John Malkovish to squarespace, hair drying to unfrozen beef unless ou are Wendy’s, some more helicopters and shoot ‘em up promo for the show after the Super Bowl.
Overthrown ball and then good connection and good blocking to get a gain then another open receiver and then a miss and another connection and a first down and a time out and another first down close to the goal line with a holding call against the Pattycakes and a bad screen and a field goal with 2 seconds left.

Future of crime fighting (more violence), a pleasant bank, a car with bad graphics, Internet, plumbing, and another violence promo keep filling the screen.
Time to open the roof to the lady, but first…. a refugee commercial by 84 Lumber.
Yabba, yabba and then some Empire, Legion (spooky) and then onto a sugar drink without sugar half time show.
Lady standing up on the roof with liberty and justice for all and then jumping off through the roof onto the field. That is pretty bold. Lots of smoke and wires and flames and spotlights and dancers and yelling kids and flash and must cost cash. Put your hands together. Telephones and now keyboard and more lights and glitter and jumping and twirling lighted rifles. Now a piano for a slow song and the eye makeup and the golden jacket has gone. Hug the audience and then a bunch of glowing people and another costume change with back flips and as more fireworks go off she throws down the mike and jumps off the stage. Hi mom and dad?
Commercial for Genius, Feud Bettie and Joan, and the Superbowl babies while everyone goes to the bathroom.

Ok, back to football. Atlanta three and out. Maybe Pats are fired up?
Soapbox racing with a woman driver by Audi (and it was not a red car), Mister Clean getting down and dirty, and another 24 promo and a bazaar western Sneakers commercial keeps us entertained during the dull time.
While they take a time out do you ever wonder how many people have to stand up for hours during these exhibitions?
There is the Budweiser commercial for refugees, T-Mobile with Snoop and Martha, and clean the scientist with laundry comes to mind.
Wide Open and good throw and catch. Yellow laundry and then a TOUCHDOWN and the Falcoons are flying.
Yikes save those whales and trees and don’t forget the seals by Niro by Kia or by Buckawahata, hair care, retro ego turned upside down to another violent movie fills some more sights until the camera can pan to all the stars in the stands with the Vice President.
Tommy tries to chip away at the defense. Billy is spitting and looking constipated. 4th down but they complete and move on. The QB runs. Hooked helmets and time moves on. As the game moves on a throw and a turn and a TOUCHDOWN for the whiteshirts but a missed extra point.
A cure for Wellness (strange movie) and violent video game (again) and Walking Dead killing a football and more Fuji water and don’t drive drunk, give a damn before you get your taxes done.
On sides kick? I don’t think so.
Baywatch with the Rock and more violence, fast red car, and a T-Mobile shades of grey, before Swinsons cartoon and Albert take up another break but I’m getting tired.
Time out and regroup for the birds but incomplete pass that were oh so close. Sack might make a difference from the onsides kick and then delay of game.

Now it is down to business. It is the 4th quarter. Throw too far and then chipping away bit by bit. The birds give the QB a big hug and they will have to kick again.
More violence, doggie eating and then southing vocals by Turkish Airlines, Google, Buns, sci-fi, coke and so it goes for the commercials.
Bud commercial with ghost dog and I don’t understand but that is just me?
Another t-Mobile porn commercial and everyone is looking at their screens for all the Zelda games, and more 24 and I’ve lost track.
Oops! Turnover for Pats, then Tommy goes down. TOUCHDOWN!  And they are going for two. 8-Point game.
Motorcycle blocked in by Easy Rider but it is a silver car instead of a red one, more automotive racing, and again that annoying at this point ‘24’ continues.
Open man and good throw and then another man down for the birds. Jones makes a catch. Sack was not a good move. Chris Long held so his daddy will have something to talk about. Now the move was inflated.
Third and ten and what ‘cha gonna do? Made a catch and moved on. Missed catch and another first down and stop the clock and WOOO! A deflected catch.
2-minute warning, so take another pee.
Another red car and half naked women, soft drink promoted by some sports star, golden boy chicken and laundry detergent before you put on those 3-D glasses, and another violent TV series.
Down to the one. Now what? TOUCHDOWN for the Pats as a comeback and now it is close. Too point conversion and it is now a TYE score.

What about bring the ole president back out to toss the coin?
Well enough of the crappy commercials and let us get this game over. I’ve been up sense before time began and I’m getting tired.
A run and then it is confetti time. Who would have….well I guess somebody did.
The Pattycakes came back from being down and more down and then found a way to win.

Well that is the play-by-play and it is nothing else but shouting and camera cuts and it was a LI bowl.
Now the social media can discuss what if or what about but the facts have been written. Unless you don’t believe them?

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