"THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF NICK DANGER"
Dramatis Personae
NICK DANGER, Third Eye
ROCKY RACCOCOA, Rat
MELANIE HAYBER
AUDREY FARBER
SUSAN UNDERHILL, Nancy
BETTY JOE BEOLOKSKI
LT. BRADSHAW, Flatfoot
CATHERWOOD, Butler
DAN HAYBER, Catherwood
POP, Gas station attendant
NARRATOR, Himself
STRANGE VOICE OF THOUGHTS, Offstage hand
NARRATOR: Los Angeles ... he walks again by night. (Whistling off stage) Out of the fog and into the smog. (cough) Relentlessly ... ruthlessly ... ("I wonder where Ruth is?") doggedly. (ruff ruff) ("Ow!") Doggies weekly meeting with the unknown. At 4th and Drucker he turns left. At Drucker and 4th he turns right. He crosses McArther Park and walks into a gray sandstone building. ("Oh! My nose!") Groping for the door he steps inside; (telephone ringing) climbs the 13 stairs to his office. He walks in. He’s ready for mystery. He's ready for excitement. He’s ready for anything. He's…
NICK: (picking up the ringing phone) Nick Danger ... Third Eye.
Voice on phone: Ah I wanna order a ... ah...pizza to go and no anchovies.
NICK: No anchovies? you've have the wrong man. I spell my name
Danger. (hangs up phone)
Voice on phone: What?
NARRATOR: The makers of Fantastic Cigarettes: Long on the Leaf and Sort In the Can...brings you another true story from the tattered case book of "NICK DANGER, Third Eye." Let's join him now in the adventure we call... "CUT HIM OFF AT THE PASS"... (music)
NICK: Let's get down to business. Uncross those beautiful stems of yours, baby. Herets the case I call number 666. It all began innocently enough on Tuesday. I was sitting in my office on that drizzly afternoon listening to the melodious staccato of rain on my desktop and reading my name on the glass of the office door...REGNAD KCIN. My secretary lay snoring on the floor. Her beautiful gams pinioned under the couch. I didn't hear him enter, but my nostrils flared at the smell of his perfume ... Pyramid Patrolee. There was only one joker In L.A. sensitive enough to wear that scent, and I had to find out who he was.
ROCKY RACCOCOA: Good afternoon Mister Danger. I'm Rocky Raccocoa.
NICK: Thanks half-pint, you just saved me a lot of investigative work.
R.R.: Maybe yes, maybe no. Do you know what this is?
NICK: (thinking - "I had to think for a minute. What cool game was he playing?") Ah ... that's a brown paper bag.
R.R.: That's correct. Now look inside Mr. Danger ... what do you see?
NICK: That's easy ... that's a pickle.
R.R.: Very good. Now I think you are ready for this ... (excited)
NICK: Why that's nothing but a two-bit ring from a cracker back jox.
R.R.: I'll sell it to you for $5,000.
NICK: Aha ... what kind of chump do you take me for?
R.R.: First class.
NICK: That tarnished piece of tin is worthless.
R.R.: Worhless ... hee hee hee hee hack hack... not to Malanie Hayber.
NICK: Melanie Hayber????
R.R.: You may remember her as Audrey Farmer
NICK: Audrey Farber????
R.R.: Susan Underhill???
NICK: Susan Underhill????
R.R.: How about Betty Joe Beoloskl???
NICK: (thinking Betty Joe Beoloski. I hadn’t heard that name since college. Everyone knew her as Nancy. Then it all came rushing back to me like the hot kiss at the end of a wet fist. It was pit night at the old Neiamee Pamee Sigma house ... we had escaped from the crowd and stood trembling under the dwarf maples.) ... fades out.
(DREAM SEQUENCE)
NANCY: Oh, oh, Nicky. Why I don't know what to say. This...this is the most beautiful ring I've ever seen.
NICK: Yeah Nancy, it's really neat. it cost me $5,000.
NANCY: Oh Nicky ... I...oh, how can I ever repay you?
NICK: Well, gee whiz Nancy. How about $500 down and a 36 month contract?
NANCY: What??
NICK:... or you could marry me.
NANCY: (serious tone) That's impossible Nick. I can't marry you. I can't even tell you why. Maybe someday.
NICK: All right Nancy. I understand. Sign here.
NANCY: Oh Nick, I'll never forgive you.
NICK: And I'll never forget you either, Nancy ... (fades out)
NICK: (on phone) ... and that's why I called you today, Nancy ... I mean, Mrs. Hayber. Something reminded me of that time so long ago under the dwarf maples.
NANCY: (excited) I don't know what prompted you to get in touch with me, but you called just in the nick of time.
NICK: You haven't lost your delicate sense of humor have you, Nancy?
NANCY: What? ... Nick...I can't talk to you now. You'll have to get out here right away. My husband ... he...ah, it’s the same old place in Santa Barbara ... Nicky ... oh hurry Nicky...l need you...( can't .... ahhhhh...(buzzzzzzz).
NICK: Nancy??? ... (thought-I slipped the ring into my nose and the receiver into my pocket and headed for the door quickly, but I'd forgotten the little man with the evil grin.)
R.R. Just a second, Danger ... What about my pickle?
NICK: (Angered) you’re lucky you still have your brown paper bag, small change.
R.R.: Ahh, Danger. You haven't seen the last of me.
NICK: No ... but the first of you turns my stomach.
R.R.: (voice fading out) you’ll be hearing from me again, Danger.
NICK: (thinking-111 headed down the hall in the opposite direction toward the fire escape. I hadn't a moment to lose.)
BRAD: Hey, Danger!
NICK: Ahhhhh
BRAD: Where's the fire?
NICK: (turning) In your eyes, Lt. Bradshaw.
BRAD: Don't get wise with me, peeper ... you’re lucky we didn't burn you on that Enselmo Peteraski case
NICK: (annoyingly) Look... you caught him, didn't you?
BRAD: Yeah, but the punk got away ... no thanks to you.
NICK: hee hee ... Well what brings your flatfeet sniffing around here now, copper?
BRAD: Just a friendly word of advice, Danger.
NICK: yeah ... what?
BRAD: Don't go sticking your nose into police business.
NICK: Sure lieutenant ... is that all?
BRAD: No. Don't talk with your mouth full.
NICK: O.K. Bradshaw.
BRAD: And don't fidget while I talk to you
NICK: Sure lieutenant.
BRAD:(voice fading out) And stop tracking mud across my nice clean floor.
NICK: O.K.
NICK: (thinking- "When I hit the street the rain had already turned L.A. into a mud river. It was a short swim down Eldorado to my convertible
((sound effects-SQUEAL))l had to get to Santa Barbara in a big hurry. As I whipped onto Mohollan Drive the lights were just blinking on across the San Berdino Valley. I could barely make them out through the driving rain. Then a hard right down big Chagunga Canyon. My tires squealed as I hit San Beradino. A right, a left, a left, a left, another right, a left to the body, a right, and into a gas station.") ((sound effects of a car squealing to a halt))
Hey...pop!
POP: All right... all right... hold your horses ... I'm coming ... ayeh.
NICK: Where am I??
POP: You can't get there from here.
NICK: But I'm looking for the same old place.
POP: Oh, you must mean the old Same Place, sonny ... it's right out back ...here's the key.
NICK: (thinking-Four hours later, I parked my car in the carriage house and walked up the grey graveled driveway between a line of dwarf maples toward the pillowed entrance of the Same Mansion. It had been snowing in Santa Barbara ever since the fop of the page and I had to shake the corn starch off my mukluks as I lifted the heavy osmium doorknocker.)
N I CK: Hey in there ... open up ... your doorknocker just fell off.
CATHERWOOD: What's all this brew-ha-ha?
NICK: Brew-ha-ha??
CATHERWOOD AND DANGER: Ha ha ... ha ha ... hahahahaha ... ummph. (door slams)
NICK: Hey, wait a minute ... don't you want this doorknocker?
CATHERWOOD- Thanks, but we already have one
NICK:But this is yours.
CATHERWOOD: You see: I told you. We used to have another one, but he vanished mysteriously. (opens door) All right, come in out of the corn starch and dry your mukluks by the fire. Let me introduce myself ... I am Nick Danger.
NICK: No, let me introduce myself ... I am Nick Danger.
CATHERWOOD: If you're so smart why don't you pick up your cues faster?
NICK: Are those my cues??
CATHERWOOD: Yes, and they should be dry by now. Why don't you pull them up out of the cellophane before they scorch? All right sir, now may I take your hat and coat?
NICK: Yes.
CATHERWOOD:I assume you come to see my mistress, Mr. Danger?
NICK: I don't care about your private life or what his name is.
I've come to see Nancy ... er ah ... Mrs. Hayber.
CATHERWOOD: Mrs. Hayber?
NICK: Audrey Farber?
CATHERWOOD: Audrey Farber??
NICK: How about Betty Joe Beoloski???
CATHERWOOD: Oh ... you mean Nancy. Well, she's in the aviary studying
trees. I shall return with her straight away. You may wait herb in the sitting room or you can sit here in the waiting room.
NICK: (thinking- There was something fishy about the butler. I think he was a Pisces, probably working for S.C.A.L.E. I felt a thin shiver run up my spine as I sat down on the cold marble floor. What was it about this place? The atmosphere was as phony as the Tutor balustrade that leered at me from the top of the staircase ... and there she stood. Radiant ... all those curves showing through that flimsy vamooses.)
NANCY:(excited) Nick
NICK:(still thinking- if was Nancy running down the stairs. All the familiar sounds and smells of Pig Night came rushing back like a good snort of Scotch. Then it struck me... 20 years later and she still knocked me out.) ((sound effects-SOCK!, thud))
NANCY:(slapping sound) Oh Nlcky, oh N!cky...wake up ... are you
all right ... Nicky, Nicky, Nicky...
NICK: Ahh ... where am I ... yes.
NANCY: Oh, then stop slapping me (slapping stops)
NICK: Oh, Nancy. What’s the birds-eye low-down on this caper ...
(aside) whatever that means.
NANCY: (muffled voice) We can't talk here.
NICK: What do you mean we can't talk ... you're right. We can’t. What shall we do?
NANCY:. Follow me ... this way. (pause) This is much better. We’re at the chapel now. It's sound proof so no one can hear us.
NICK: What did you say?
NANCY: I said no one can..ah.
NICK: What?
NANCY: Never mind ... follow me.
NICK: What???
NANCY: Here take my hand...this way ... (pause) This is much better.
NICK: Yeah... huh, pretty fancy layout you got here, Nancy ... what's this... your boudoir?
NANCY: Oh no. These are the kennels.
NICK: Putting on the dog eh..ha ha ha ah say where are all the doggies?
NANCY: They've mysteriously disappeared.
NICK: Oh yeah?
NANCY: Yes, I just told you. Along with all the servants. They were very attached to one another.
NICK: Where?
NANCY: At the wrist and ankles.
NICK: Wait a minute ... you said all the servants had disappeared.
NANCY: Did I ??
NICK: What about the butler???
NANCY: You mean CATHERWOOD?
CATHERWOOD: Yes madam..
NANCY: (surprised) Oh..ah..ha ha..oh Catherwood..ha ha..YOU startled me.
CATHERWOOD: I'm sorry madam.
NANCY: What are you doing down on all fours?
CATHERWOOD: I'm looking for my script. Why don’t you just go on without me.
NICK: Listen Nancy, I smell a rat.
CATHERWOOD: So do I..I think he's got my script.
NICK: This is awful.
NANCY: Yes ... listen Catherwood ... you look for it, all right?
NICK: Pee you!
CATHERWOOD: Alright Madam. (goes off singing "Monday, Monday" by the Mamas and the Papas)
NANCY: Ah, quickly Nicky ... through this secret panel over here ... this way.
NICK: All right (moans of squeezing through)
NANCY AND NICK: This is the portrait gallery. (pause) This is the portrait (chuckle)
NANCY: There's an echo in here. This is the portrait gallery, Nick. (sexy) No one can find us here.
NICK: All right Nancy ...
NANCYAND NICK: (excited) Get your hands off me
NICK: What's the scoop?
NANCY: Chocolate, butterscotch, or Rocky Raccocoa ... ah ... Road.
NICK: (thinking - That reminded me how had she gotten herself involved with that slimy weasel Raccoca, and how do I make my voice do this?)
NANCY: Oh Nicky, Nicky, Nicky ... it all began 20 years ago with the mysterious disappearance of my husband.
NICK: You mean you were already married when I sold you that ring?
(thinking- No wonder she hadn't been able to meet the payment.)
NANCY: What?
NICK: So that was your secret. Oh, what a sap I’ve been.
NANCY: Oh yes, but that night the strangest thing happened.
NICK: (chuckling) Hum ... that usually goes along with being just married. Ha Ha Ha
NANCY: My husband, Johnny, he ... oh, Nicky, I want to tell you the horrible
truth. The whole truth. All of it. The man behind everything.
CATHERWOOD: Tea, madam?
NANCY: (scream)
NICK: (confused coolness) Oh ... let me handle this, Nancy. Far-out, Catherwood. Just... just roll a couple of bummers and leave them on the side table.
CATHERWOOD: yes, madam. (crashing sound) Oh, I say. Pardon me, madam, I seemed to have crushed it. It's been such a long exposition, you know. I'm so tired.
NICK: Catherwood.
CATHERWOOD: Yes sir?
NICK: Catherwood can't you see that you're upsetting Nancy. Leave us alone.
CATHERWOOD: Well, how much would you like, sir? $500? $1,000?
NICK: AMSTRAY ASTERBAY
CATHERWOOD: Oh, of course, sir. Uk uk pacuk
NICK: Gesundheit
CATHERWOOD: Yes, (singing the Beatles "I'm So Tired" and fade out)
NICK: All right, Nancy, go on with your story. Start with your, with your dreadful secret.
NANCY: Oh. Nick. I can't ... I can't. I'm so confused.
NICK: Well, why don't you just put your thumb next to your line. See ... like this.
NANCY: Huh??
NICK: This way I don't get confused. I never lose my place.
NANCY: I feel faint. The whole world Is spinning.
NICK: Well, that's lucky for us, Nancy. If it were flat, all the Chinese would fall off.
NANCY: (faints) Ahhhh...
NICK: Why she's no fun ... she fell right over. Wait a minute. Didn't I say that line on the other side of the record? Where am I? I better check. (plays tape back--kcehc retteb I? I ma erehw ? drocer eht of edis rehto eht enil that yas I t'nidk) It's O.K. They're speaking Chinese. Poor Nancy. She's fainted. I'll just wrap her shirt around her head like this, to keep her warm .... now, I'll press her body close to mine to keep me warm. (thinking- She looked so helpless there...spread eagle on the floor. I beat the eagle off and gave her a quick mouth-to-mouth resuscitation job. And then it struck me. (sound effect-Socko) What a sap she had. (faints-ahh)
CATHERWOOD: Ah, good girl, Nancy. That ought to hold him for a while.
NANCY: Oh poor Nicky. He's bleeding. I'll tear this strip off my petticoat.
(sound effect-Rippp)
CATHERWOOD: Sure ... if you want to.
NANCY: Ah, there...You tie him up with this. I'll go through his pockets.
NICK:(in unconscious stupor-OOOOHHHHHO)
CATHERWOOD: Ah careful ... careful...don't wake him up. Shhh...that contract must be on him somewhere.
NICK:(in unconscious stupor) oohh Audrey
R.R.:(opening door) You fuels
CATHERWOOD: What!
R.R.: Haven't you found the contract yet? Your time is almost up.
CATHERWOOD: Raccocoa, you slimy black-me-luck, how did you get in here? You don't have a key.
R.R.: No ... only half a key.
CATHERWOOD: What??
R.R.: I had to split It with the sound effects man.
Sound effects man off-stage: Thanks Rocky
R.R.: Where's the contract, you absent minded old frog?
NANCY: Wait a minute...walt a minute ... here it is. I found it. It was taped to his leg.
R.R.: Give me that. (sinister chuckle- ah ha) I've got It at last.
CATHERWOOD: All right ... all right now maybe you'll leave us in peace Raccocoa.
Give me the negative.
R.R.: Of course... here it is. (Giving it to Nancy)
CATHERWOOD: (sigh) Ooh, at last. Now we're out of your evil clutches.
NANCY: Dan! Dan! Wait a minute. Look at this negative. (Holding it up to the light) It isn't us. It's an 'interesting approach, but it isn't us.
CATHERWOOD: What...what ... what ... what ... yeh ... She's right. What are you trying to pull on me, Raccocoa?
R.R.: Oh my goodness. I...] must have sent the wrong negative to the police ...I mean ... I ... I must have left your's in the car. I'll ... ah ... go get it.
CATHERWOOD: Just a second, Raccocoa. You not going nowhere until you’ve explained what you've done with that filthy piece of blackmail.
R.R.: Are you threatening me? Why you stupid toad. I ought to beat your brains out. (Pulling a pickle out from within his coat.)
NANCY: No! Put down that pickle.
CATHERWOOD: You'll never get away with this, Raccotoa
R.R.: Oh yeah? Didn't you ever see "Casa Blanca"?#*%&#*
NICK: (thinking to consciousness- The thick veil of pain lifted enough for me to eyeball the situation. Raccocoa, that sleezy weasel, how did he get in here and what was he doing with that pickle in one hand and my contract in the other? I had no choice. Nancy and the old butler were frozen with terror. I struggled quietly to my feet and flung myself head first a Racocoa’s stomach)
(sound effects of a fight scene- ah ... oh ... sock ... and 2 and 3.)
NANCY: (Bending over) Thank you ... you saved our lives.
NICK: This ain't no time for ticker tape parades, baby...get me out of these
ropes and into a good belt of scotch.
CATHERWOOD: Ah ... let me..ah...hold that contract for you, Mr. Danger.
NICK: I'll keep that contract, Catherwood, but you can take this pickle off my
hands.
NANCY: Ah...no, I think you better hold on to that, Nick.
NICK: Good thinking, sweetheart. Lt. Bradshaw will need all the evidence he can get.
CATHERWOOD: Ah...yes. And ... you should stick around too, Danger. You can ...
ah... help him put all the pieces together, you know?
NICK: Right!
NANCY: No, no...a left. (sound effect-socko)
NICK: (thinking- I felt like I was being kicked in the head by the whole chorus line at Minskey's. So Nancy was in on this caper. I felt myself going under. The biggest long shot Louie at Hialeah wouldn't put a pin on my faith now. This time something told me I was "out-to-lunch". I even began to hear things ... ((Nancy: I'll never forgive you, Nick; Bradshaw: Keep your nose out of police business, Danger; Catherwood; May I take your hat and coat, sir?; R.R.: What about my pickle?))) (faints sway-
Ahhhhhhhhh ... louder then cut)
NARRATOR: We'll be back to "Nick Danger" after this message ...
BRADSHAW: All right! Hold it right where you are. I'm Lt. Bradshaw with a piece of advice for you. Now here in the studio it's all knuckles and know how, but when that red light goes off I'm just plain Harry Aims, citizen and weekend father. Now take a tip from a cop who does. Radio work can be just as dirty and exciting as hunting down public enemy number one. So when I get home, my old lady knows what I need, and how. A warm, heaping bowl full of "Loostners' Castor Oil Flakes" with real gysernviberphon. It doesn't just wash your mouth out, It cleans the whole system... right on down the line.
So come on you little rookies. Tell your mom to get on it and do it everyday. Just remember what the boys down at the precinct house sing: Oh ... it ain't no use if you ain't got the boost, the boost you get from Loostners'... LOOSTNERS".
NARRATOR: The All-Weather Breakfast. And now we return you to Act 3 of "Nick Danger, Third Eye".
NICK: (thinking- When the crazy escalator ride ended I fought my way back up to the land of the living. I came to slumped over the front seat of my own car. lying in a pool of cheap rock gut. I had a head full of ideas that were driving me insane and a mouth full of ... cotton candy)
BRADSHAW: You want some more cotton candy, Danger? It might sober you up.
NICK: (moaning) Oh ... my head. Bradshaw...baby.
BRADSHAW: Yeah.
NICK: I never thought I'd be glad to sod your ugly mug.
BRADSHAW: Save the wisecracks for the warden, Danger. I got you this time and I got you good.
NICK: What are you talking about?
BRADSHAW: Get outa that car ...
NICK: Hey! Come on..
BRADSHAW: ... If you can stand up, and keep your hands high. I got you covered.
NICK: Hey, what's this all about, Bradshaw? You know I never carry a rod.
BRADSHAW: Yeah! But it's murder what some people can do with a car and 1 got witnesses to prove It.
NANCY: (excited, sobbing) There’s the man. Keep me away from him. He did It.
BRADSHAW: Take it easy, little lady.
NICK: I don't know why you're doing this, Nancy, but it doesn't change my feeling about you.
NANCY: Oh Nick! You're such a tool! He did it!
BRADSHAW: All right, all right! Take It easy, little lady. All right, let's get these facts straight. Take this down, Henderson. O.K., professor; how did it happen?
CATHERWOOD: Well, sergeant, ah...
BRADSHAW: Lieutenant.
CATHERWOOD: Yes ... Mrs. Farber and I were sitting right here in the living room
engaged in a friendly round of spin-the-pickle ... weren't we dear.
NANCY: (sobbing) Yes
CATHERWOOD: ... with our good friend, Mr. Raccocoa.
NANCY: He did it.
CATHERWOOD: Ah yes ... and then suddenly the door flew open and this drunken mad man, right here, drove in honking wildly and headed straight for us.
NICK: He's lying.
BRADSHAW: Can it, can it, Danger. Continue
CATHERWOOD: Yeah ... and at the last possible moment he stopped on a dime.
BRADSHAW: I see.
CATHERWOOD: Unfortunately that dime was in Mr. Raccocoa’s pocket.
NICK: I’m going to break your neck, Catherwood. Let me at ‘um.
BRADSHAW: All right, all right... hold It, Danger. I've heard enough! We'll get the rest of the story down at the station house from you. I've been waiting for this for years ...
NICK: Wise up, Bradshaw.
BRADSHAW: ...week in and week out...
NICK: I didn't do it.
BRADSHAW: ... playing second fiddle while you got all the girls.
NICK: Come on ...
BRADSHAW: Well, I'm tired of being mister nice-buy, see. There's gonna be some changes made. Next week this show is gonna be called...
NARRATOR: "Sergeant Bradshaw"...
BRADSHAW: Lieutenant
NARRATOR: District Attorney.
BRADSHAW: I ... I'm going to have my own theme music and it’s gonna take place in Washington, D.C. No plots ... just girls and guys doing nice simple things up against Nazils and Fifth Columnist ... and no jewish writers either. My name in the paper...picture taken with Lindberg,...Charles Foster ... (fade out)
NICK: (thinking- I saw my chance and I took it. Bradshaw would never listen to my story now. It had more holes in it than Albert Hall. My only way out was like this ... ((fight scene- sock ... ahh))) Alright, alright, hold It everybody. Catherwood, stop It. I've got Bradshaw's rod pressed against Nancy's temple. Now you spill the beans or I'll blow her brains out.
NANCY: Nick!
CATHERWOOD: Oh my ... I ... I think you're bluffing, flatfoot.
(sound effect- gunshot and thud of body hitting the floor)
CATHERWOOD: No ... you weren't bluffing.
NICK: Alright, talk.
CATHERWOOD: It all began 20 years ago. I was a freshman in college then, although you wouldn't hardly believe it to look at me now. I..I had just completed work on my science project and I invited Nancy down to reveal the secret to her ...
(fade out to "flash-back")
DAN HAYBER: Well, this is it, Nancy. How do you like it?
NANCY: So this is where you've been every night since we got married ... oh Nicky.
DAN: Sure Is! ... that ... that's Danny ... but don't... don't say It. Nancy, I know it's been hard, but I wanted to give you the swellish honeymoon a girl ever had. We're going to Greece.
NANCY: And swim the English Channel ?
DAN: No! To ancient Greece, where burning Saphron loved and sang and
stroked the wine-dock sea in the temple by the moonlight ... wah da do dah.
NANCY: What?
DAN: Don’t you see, Nancy? I've built the perfect time machine.
NANCY: Oh! It sounds dangerous.
DAN: Yes, that's why I'm going to try it out first. Now when I get into the grandfather clock, you hit me over the head with this bottle of champagne... right here, (sound effects- crash) set the dial back for 1000 years and put in three dimes. I'll be gone for 1000 years.
NANCY: 1000 years? That's longer than anyone has ever been gone before.
DAN: But to you, it’ll seem only like a minute. Fare thee well, my love. Foreward, into the past.
NANCY: Gee, I hope he gets back before all this dry ice melts. (sound effect-
sharp sound) (Nancy turns) Wha ... who’s there???
R.R.: Mrs. Hayber??
NANCY: Who’s that???
R.R.: I'm Rocky Raccocoa. You might have seen me tottering around the drug store drinking chocolate malts vulcans and giving away free high schools.
NANCY: Well, what are you doing here? What do you want??
R.R.: I'm here for a friend, Mrs. Hayber. If you sign a contract you're supposed to keep up the payments.
NANCY: Oh, you must be a friend of Nick's.
R.R.: Yes.
NANCY: He couldn't want his money already. He only gave me the ring last night. I'm wearing it see.
R.R.: Yes, that's a very pretty hand there. (starts tugging on the ring)
NANCY: Agggrh!!!
DAN: (fade in) Oooohhh ... Nancy, Nancy ... it's a success. I'm back. It's a
success. I have proof I've been to ancient Greece. Look at this grape.
NANCY: Who are you old man and what have you done with my husband?
DAN: What do you mean, Nancy? I am your husband.
NANCY: (faints away) Aggrh!
DAN: Well, who’s that ugly dwarf with his hand in your mouth?
R.R.:Rocky Racoccoa, at your service.
NICK: All right, all right, Catherwood. I've heard just enough.
DAN: What? ... what? ... Listen, I’m telling this story, young man. What are you going in my flashback?
NICK: Flashback? What are you talk ... flashing? ... All right all of you, You stay right where you are. Put your thumbs on your place in the script while I figure this out. (thinking- Poor Nancy. Married to a man 1000 years old. Now I understand why the servants disappeared. It was Catherwood who killed Racoccoa to protect his wife...my Betty Joe.)
NANCY: Who is he talking to? How does he make his voice do that??
NICK: All right Bradshaw, there's your confession; I hope you got it all down. Brad...Bradshaw ... Bradshaw? Oh, that's right; he's not in this flashback. Oh, I'll skip ahead of ... no... I can't skip ahead. All right, everybody into the time machine.
DAN: Wait... wait a minute ... no,no,no,no,no. You don't understand how radio works. Now this is my flashback, all I have to do to return us to the present is fade my voice out like this and cue the organist. (organ music) And you see.
CATHERWOOD: Here we are.
DAN & CATHERWOOD: Oh my goodness.
NICK: What's happening. Am I seeing double? There are 2 of everyone except me.
(thinking- Pandemonium was breaking out all around me. Wait a minute. Who are you?
NICKII: I was here first. You imposter. Take that.
NANCY: Why that's terrible ...
NANCYII: You keep away from him you young hussy.
NANCY: Who are you calling a young hussy, you old bag.
NANCYII: Why I dare you talk to me like that...
NANCY: I can talk to me anyway I like to.
NANCYII: What nerve. I'm not you...you're me 20 years ago.
NANCY: Why you got a lot of nerve saying I'm going to look like that in 20 years.
NANCY & NANCYII: Oh yeah? There ain't room enough in this dress for both of us (sound effects- ripp, cauhit, ah,oh)
CATHERWOOD: Well, this is a bit of fun, isn't it?
DAN: Yeah, it certainly is that. Glad to have someone my own age to talk to after all these years.
CATHERWOOD: Ah ... why don't we sing something?
DAN: Well, I've forgotten the key.
CATHERWOOD: Oh, that's all right...l have a lid out in the car.
R.R.: Stop it! Stop it! Stop singing, you fools. Can't you see someone has been crushed here under this car. Oh my god, it's me. I don’t look at all well. I'm dead. I've been killed. Oohhh, it hasn't happened to me since M.
NICK: (thinking- I did a quick 20/20 on the whole scene. I thought that I was the only one going insane, but now we were all in this together. I knew what I had to do. I didn’t like it, but that never stopped me before) All right everybody, take off your..................
NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this schedule transmission to bring you an announcement of national importance from the White House in Washington, D.C...... Ladies and gentlemen ... ladies and gentlemen ... the President of the United States...
PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans. This morning, at 6:25 A.M. Pacific Standard Time, combined elements of the Imperial Japanese navy and air forces ruthlessly attacked our naval base at Pearl Harbor In the Hawaiian islands. I have conferred this morning with the congress and the chiefs-of-state in emergency sessions. We have reached our rendezvous with destiny. It is our unanimous and irrevocable decision that the United States of America unconditionally surrender. And now, my wife and I would like to return, with you, for the thrilling conclusion of “Private Nick Danger, Third Eye”.
NICK: Well, I've solved another one for you.
BRADSHAW: Danger, I'll never know how you do it. I was sure I had the goods on you this time.
NICK: Well, Bradshaw, it's like in the army, you know. The great prince issues commands, founds states, vest families with thief’s ... inferior people should not be employed.
BRADSHAW: Nick... I can't knock success, but you still put me through too many changes.
NARRATOR: The makers of Loostner's Castor Oil Flakes and Fantastic Cigarettes ... Loostner's for the smile of beauty ... Fantastic for the smile of success ... have brought you the transcribed adventures of Nick Danger, Third Eye. Tune In again next week, same time, same station, when Nick Danger meets..."The Arab".
(music builds up then fades out)
Dramatis Personae
NICK DANGER, Third Eye
ROCKY RACCOCOA, Rat
MELANIE HAYBER
AUDREY FARBER
SUSAN UNDERHILL, Nancy
BETTY JOE BEOLOKSKI
LT. BRADSHAW, Flatfoot
CATHERWOOD, Butler
DAN HAYBER, Catherwood
POP, Gas station attendant
NARRATOR, Himself
STRANGE VOICE OF THOUGHTS, Offstage hand
NARRATOR: Los Angeles ... he walks again by night. (Whistling off stage) Out of the fog and into the smog. (cough) Relentlessly ... ruthlessly ... ("I wonder where Ruth is?") doggedly. (ruff ruff) ("Ow!") Doggies weekly meeting with the unknown. At 4th and Drucker he turns left. At Drucker and 4th he turns right. He crosses McArther Park and walks into a gray sandstone building. ("Oh! My nose!") Groping for the door he steps inside; (telephone ringing) climbs the 13 stairs to his office. He walks in. He’s ready for mystery. He's ready for excitement. He’s ready for anything. He's…
NICK: (picking up the ringing phone) Nick Danger ... Third Eye.
Voice on phone: Ah I wanna order a ... ah...pizza to go and no anchovies.
NICK: No anchovies? you've have the wrong man. I spell my name
Danger. (hangs up phone)
Voice on phone: What?
NARRATOR: The makers of Fantastic Cigarettes: Long on the Leaf and Sort In the Can...brings you another true story from the tattered case book of "NICK DANGER, Third Eye." Let's join him now in the adventure we call... "CUT HIM OFF AT THE PASS"... (music)
NICK: Let's get down to business. Uncross those beautiful stems of yours, baby. Herets the case I call number 666. It all began innocently enough on Tuesday. I was sitting in my office on that drizzly afternoon listening to the melodious staccato of rain on my desktop and reading my name on the glass of the office door...REGNAD KCIN. My secretary lay snoring on the floor. Her beautiful gams pinioned under the couch. I didn't hear him enter, but my nostrils flared at the smell of his perfume ... Pyramid Patrolee. There was only one joker In L.A. sensitive enough to wear that scent, and I had to find out who he was.
ROCKY RACCOCOA: Good afternoon Mister Danger. I'm Rocky Raccocoa.
NICK: Thanks half-pint, you just saved me a lot of investigative work.
R.R.: Maybe yes, maybe no. Do you know what this is?
NICK: (thinking - "I had to think for a minute. What cool game was he playing?") Ah ... that's a brown paper bag.
R.R.: That's correct. Now look inside Mr. Danger ... what do you see?
NICK: That's easy ... that's a pickle.
R.R.: Very good. Now I think you are ready for this ... (excited)
NICK: Why that's nothing but a two-bit ring from a cracker back jox.
R.R.: I'll sell it to you for $5,000.
NICK: Aha ... what kind of chump do you take me for?
R.R.: First class.
NICK: That tarnished piece of tin is worthless.
R.R.: Worhless ... hee hee hee hee hack hack... not to Malanie Hayber.
NICK: Melanie Hayber????
R.R.: You may remember her as Audrey Farmer
NICK: Audrey Farber????
R.R.: Susan Underhill???
NICK: Susan Underhill????
R.R.: How about Betty Joe Beoloskl???
NICK: (thinking Betty Joe Beoloski. I hadn’t heard that name since college. Everyone knew her as Nancy. Then it all came rushing back to me like the hot kiss at the end of a wet fist. It was pit night at the old Neiamee Pamee Sigma house ... we had escaped from the crowd and stood trembling under the dwarf maples.) ... fades out.
(DREAM SEQUENCE)
NANCY: Oh, oh, Nicky. Why I don't know what to say. This...this is the most beautiful ring I've ever seen.
NICK: Yeah Nancy, it's really neat. it cost me $5,000.
NANCY: Oh Nicky ... I...oh, how can I ever repay you?
NICK: Well, gee whiz Nancy. How about $500 down and a 36 month contract?
NANCY: What??
NICK:... or you could marry me.
NANCY: (serious tone) That's impossible Nick. I can't marry you. I can't even tell you why. Maybe someday.
NICK: All right Nancy. I understand. Sign here.
NANCY: Oh Nick, I'll never forgive you.
NICK: And I'll never forget you either, Nancy ... (fades out)
NICK: (on phone) ... and that's why I called you today, Nancy ... I mean, Mrs. Hayber. Something reminded me of that time so long ago under the dwarf maples.
NANCY: (excited) I don't know what prompted you to get in touch with me, but you called just in the nick of time.
NICK: You haven't lost your delicate sense of humor have you, Nancy?
NANCY: What? ... Nick...I can't talk to you now. You'll have to get out here right away. My husband ... he...ah, it’s the same old place in Santa Barbara ... Nicky ... oh hurry Nicky...l need you...( can't .... ahhhhh...(buzzzzzzz).
NICK: Nancy??? ... (thought-I slipped the ring into my nose and the receiver into my pocket and headed for the door quickly, but I'd forgotten the little man with the evil grin.)
R.R. Just a second, Danger ... What about my pickle?
NICK: (Angered) you’re lucky you still have your brown paper bag, small change.
R.R.: Ahh, Danger. You haven't seen the last of me.
NICK: No ... but the first of you turns my stomach.
R.R.: (voice fading out) you’ll be hearing from me again, Danger.
NICK: (thinking-111 headed down the hall in the opposite direction toward the fire escape. I hadn't a moment to lose.)
BRAD: Hey, Danger!
NICK: Ahhhhh
BRAD: Where's the fire?
NICK: (turning) In your eyes, Lt. Bradshaw.
BRAD: Don't get wise with me, peeper ... you’re lucky we didn't burn you on that Enselmo Peteraski case
NICK: (annoyingly) Look... you caught him, didn't you?
BRAD: Yeah, but the punk got away ... no thanks to you.
NICK: hee hee ... Well what brings your flatfeet sniffing around here now, copper?
BRAD: Just a friendly word of advice, Danger.
NICK: yeah ... what?
BRAD: Don't go sticking your nose into police business.
NICK: Sure lieutenant ... is that all?
BRAD: No. Don't talk with your mouth full.
NICK: O.K. Bradshaw.
BRAD: And don't fidget while I talk to you
NICK: Sure lieutenant.
BRAD:(voice fading out) And stop tracking mud across my nice clean floor.
NICK: O.K.
NICK: (thinking- "When I hit the street the rain had already turned L.A. into a mud river. It was a short swim down Eldorado to my convertible
((sound effects-SQUEAL))l had to get to Santa Barbara in a big hurry. As I whipped onto Mohollan Drive the lights were just blinking on across the San Berdino Valley. I could barely make them out through the driving rain. Then a hard right down big Chagunga Canyon. My tires squealed as I hit San Beradino. A right, a left, a left, a left, another right, a left to the body, a right, and into a gas station.") ((sound effects of a car squealing to a halt))
Hey...pop!
POP: All right... all right... hold your horses ... I'm coming ... ayeh.
NICK: Where am I??
POP: You can't get there from here.
NICK: But I'm looking for the same old place.
POP: Oh, you must mean the old Same Place, sonny ... it's right out back ...here's the key.
NICK: (thinking-Four hours later, I parked my car in the carriage house and walked up the grey graveled driveway between a line of dwarf maples toward the pillowed entrance of the Same Mansion. It had been snowing in Santa Barbara ever since the fop of the page and I had to shake the corn starch off my mukluks as I lifted the heavy osmium doorknocker.)
N I CK: Hey in there ... open up ... your doorknocker just fell off.
CATHERWOOD: What's all this brew-ha-ha?
NICK: Brew-ha-ha??
CATHERWOOD AND DANGER: Ha ha ... ha ha ... hahahahaha ... ummph. (door slams)
NICK: Hey, wait a minute ... don't you want this doorknocker?
CATHERWOOD- Thanks, but we already have one
NICK:But this is yours.
CATHERWOOD: You see: I told you. We used to have another one, but he vanished mysteriously. (opens door) All right, come in out of the corn starch and dry your mukluks by the fire. Let me introduce myself ... I am Nick Danger.
NICK: No, let me introduce myself ... I am Nick Danger.
CATHERWOOD: If you're so smart why don't you pick up your cues faster?
NICK: Are those my cues??
CATHERWOOD: Yes, and they should be dry by now. Why don't you pull them up out of the cellophane before they scorch? All right sir, now may I take your hat and coat?
NICK: Yes.
CATHERWOOD:I assume you come to see my mistress, Mr. Danger?
NICK: I don't care about your private life or what his name is.
I've come to see Nancy ... er ah ... Mrs. Hayber.
CATHERWOOD: Mrs. Hayber?
NICK: Audrey Farber?
CATHERWOOD: Audrey Farber??
NICK: How about Betty Joe Beoloski???
CATHERWOOD: Oh ... you mean Nancy. Well, she's in the aviary studying
trees. I shall return with her straight away. You may wait herb in the sitting room or you can sit here in the waiting room.
NICK: (thinking- There was something fishy about the butler. I think he was a Pisces, probably working for S.C.A.L.E. I felt a thin shiver run up my spine as I sat down on the cold marble floor. What was it about this place? The atmosphere was as phony as the Tutor balustrade that leered at me from the top of the staircase ... and there she stood. Radiant ... all those curves showing through that flimsy vamooses.)
NANCY:(excited) Nick
NICK:(still thinking- if was Nancy running down the stairs. All the familiar sounds and smells of Pig Night came rushing back like a good snort of Scotch. Then it struck me... 20 years later and she still knocked me out.) ((sound effects-SOCK!, thud))
NANCY:(slapping sound) Oh Nlcky, oh N!cky...wake up ... are you
all right ... Nicky, Nicky, Nicky...
NICK: Ahh ... where am I ... yes.
NANCY: Oh, then stop slapping me (slapping stops)
NICK: Oh, Nancy. What’s the birds-eye low-down on this caper ...
(aside) whatever that means.
NANCY: (muffled voice) We can't talk here.
NICK: What do you mean we can't talk ... you're right. We can’t. What shall we do?
NANCY:. Follow me ... this way. (pause) This is much better. We’re at the chapel now. It's sound proof so no one can hear us.
NICK: What did you say?
NANCY: I said no one can..ah.
NICK: What?
NANCY: Never mind ... follow me.
NICK: What???
NANCY: Here take my hand...this way ... (pause) This is much better.
NICK: Yeah... huh, pretty fancy layout you got here, Nancy ... what's this... your boudoir?
NANCY: Oh no. These are the kennels.
NICK: Putting on the dog eh..ha ha ha ah say where are all the doggies?
NANCY: They've mysteriously disappeared.
NICK: Oh yeah?
NANCY: Yes, I just told you. Along with all the servants. They were very attached to one another.
NICK: Where?
NANCY: At the wrist and ankles.
NICK: Wait a minute ... you said all the servants had disappeared.
NANCY: Did I ??
NICK: What about the butler???
NANCY: You mean CATHERWOOD?
CATHERWOOD: Yes madam..
NANCY: (surprised) Oh..ah..ha ha..oh Catherwood..ha ha..YOU startled me.
CATHERWOOD: I'm sorry madam.
NANCY: What are you doing down on all fours?
CATHERWOOD: I'm looking for my script. Why don’t you just go on without me.
NICK: Listen Nancy, I smell a rat.
CATHERWOOD: So do I..I think he's got my script.
NICK: This is awful.
NANCY: Yes ... listen Catherwood ... you look for it, all right?
NICK: Pee you!
CATHERWOOD: Alright Madam. (goes off singing "Monday, Monday" by the Mamas and the Papas)
NANCY: Ah, quickly Nicky ... through this secret panel over here ... this way.
NICK: All right (moans of squeezing through)
NANCY AND NICK: This is the portrait gallery. (pause) This is the portrait (chuckle)
NANCY: There's an echo in here. This is the portrait gallery, Nick. (sexy) No one can find us here.
NICK: All right Nancy ...
NANCYAND NICK: (excited) Get your hands off me
NICK: What's the scoop?
NANCY: Chocolate, butterscotch, or Rocky Raccocoa ... ah ... Road.
NICK: (thinking - That reminded me how had she gotten herself involved with that slimy weasel Raccoca, and how do I make my voice do this?)
NANCY: Oh Nicky, Nicky, Nicky ... it all began 20 years ago with the mysterious disappearance of my husband.
NICK: You mean you were already married when I sold you that ring?
(thinking- No wonder she hadn't been able to meet the payment.)
NANCY: What?
NICK: So that was your secret. Oh, what a sap I’ve been.
NANCY: Oh yes, but that night the strangest thing happened.
NICK: (chuckling) Hum ... that usually goes along with being just married. Ha Ha Ha
NANCY: My husband, Johnny, he ... oh, Nicky, I want to tell you the horrible
truth. The whole truth. All of it. The man behind everything.
CATHERWOOD: Tea, madam?
NANCY: (scream)
NICK: (confused coolness) Oh ... let me handle this, Nancy. Far-out, Catherwood. Just... just roll a couple of bummers and leave them on the side table.
CATHERWOOD: yes, madam. (crashing sound) Oh, I say. Pardon me, madam, I seemed to have crushed it. It's been such a long exposition, you know. I'm so tired.
NICK: Catherwood.
CATHERWOOD: Yes sir?
NICK: Catherwood can't you see that you're upsetting Nancy. Leave us alone.
CATHERWOOD: Well, how much would you like, sir? $500? $1,000?
NICK: AMSTRAY ASTERBAY
CATHERWOOD: Oh, of course, sir. Uk uk pacuk
NICK: Gesundheit
CATHERWOOD: Yes, (singing the Beatles "I'm So Tired" and fade out)
NICK: All right, Nancy, go on with your story. Start with your, with your dreadful secret.
NANCY: Oh. Nick. I can't ... I can't. I'm so confused.
NICK: Well, why don't you just put your thumb next to your line. See ... like this.
NANCY: Huh??
NICK: This way I don't get confused. I never lose my place.
NANCY: I feel faint. The whole world Is spinning.
NICK: Well, that's lucky for us, Nancy. If it were flat, all the Chinese would fall off.
NANCY: (faints) Ahhhh...
NICK: Why she's no fun ... she fell right over. Wait a minute. Didn't I say that line on the other side of the record? Where am I? I better check. (plays tape back--kcehc retteb I? I ma erehw ? drocer eht of edis rehto eht enil that yas I t'nidk) It's O.K. They're speaking Chinese. Poor Nancy. She's fainted. I'll just wrap her shirt around her head like this, to keep her warm .... now, I'll press her body close to mine to keep me warm. (thinking- She looked so helpless there...spread eagle on the floor. I beat the eagle off and gave her a quick mouth-to-mouth resuscitation job. And then it struck me. (sound effect-Socko) What a sap she had. (faints-ahh)
CATHERWOOD: Ah, good girl, Nancy. That ought to hold him for a while.
NANCY: Oh poor Nicky. He's bleeding. I'll tear this strip off my petticoat.
(sound effect-Rippp)
CATHERWOOD: Sure ... if you want to.
NANCY: Ah, there...You tie him up with this. I'll go through his pockets.
NICK:(in unconscious stupor-OOOOHHHHHO)
CATHERWOOD: Ah careful ... careful...don't wake him up. Shhh...that contract must be on him somewhere.
NICK:(in unconscious stupor) oohh Audrey
R.R.:(opening door) You fuels
CATHERWOOD: What!
R.R.: Haven't you found the contract yet? Your time is almost up.
CATHERWOOD: Raccocoa, you slimy black-me-luck, how did you get in here? You don't have a key.
R.R.: No ... only half a key.
CATHERWOOD: What??
R.R.: I had to split It with the sound effects man.
Sound effects man off-stage: Thanks Rocky
R.R.: Where's the contract, you absent minded old frog?
NANCY: Wait a minute...walt a minute ... here it is. I found it. It was taped to his leg.
R.R.: Give me that. (sinister chuckle- ah ha) I've got It at last.
CATHERWOOD: All right ... all right now maybe you'll leave us in peace Raccocoa.
Give me the negative.
R.R.: Of course... here it is. (Giving it to Nancy)
CATHERWOOD: (sigh) Ooh, at last. Now we're out of your evil clutches.
NANCY: Dan! Dan! Wait a minute. Look at this negative. (Holding it up to the light) It isn't us. It's an 'interesting approach, but it isn't us.
CATHERWOOD: What...what ... what ... what ... yeh ... She's right. What are you trying to pull on me, Raccocoa?
R.R.: Oh my goodness. I...] must have sent the wrong negative to the police ...I mean ... I ... I must have left your's in the car. I'll ... ah ... go get it.
CATHERWOOD: Just a second, Raccocoa. You not going nowhere until you’ve explained what you've done with that filthy piece of blackmail.
R.R.: Are you threatening me? Why you stupid toad. I ought to beat your brains out. (Pulling a pickle out from within his coat.)
NANCY: No! Put down that pickle.
CATHERWOOD: You'll never get away with this, Raccotoa
R.R.: Oh yeah? Didn't you ever see "Casa Blanca"?#*%&#*
NICK: (thinking to consciousness- The thick veil of pain lifted enough for me to eyeball the situation. Raccocoa, that sleezy weasel, how did he get in here and what was he doing with that pickle in one hand and my contract in the other? I had no choice. Nancy and the old butler were frozen with terror. I struggled quietly to my feet and flung myself head first a Racocoa’s stomach)
(sound effects of a fight scene- ah ... oh ... sock ... and 2 and 3.)
NANCY: (Bending over) Thank you ... you saved our lives.
NICK: This ain't no time for ticker tape parades, baby...get me out of these
ropes and into a good belt of scotch.
CATHERWOOD: Ah ... let me..ah...hold that contract for you, Mr. Danger.
NICK: I'll keep that contract, Catherwood, but you can take this pickle off my
hands.
NANCY: Ah...no, I think you better hold on to that, Nick.
NICK: Good thinking, sweetheart. Lt. Bradshaw will need all the evidence he can get.
CATHERWOOD: Ah...yes. And ... you should stick around too, Danger. You can ...
ah... help him put all the pieces together, you know?
NICK: Right!
NANCY: No, no...a left. (sound effect-socko)
NICK: (thinking- I felt like I was being kicked in the head by the whole chorus line at Minskey's. So Nancy was in on this caper. I felt myself going under. The biggest long shot Louie at Hialeah wouldn't put a pin on my faith now. This time something told me I was "out-to-lunch". I even began to hear things ... ((Nancy: I'll never forgive you, Nick; Bradshaw: Keep your nose out of police business, Danger; Catherwood; May I take your hat and coat, sir?; R.R.: What about my pickle?))) (faints sway-
Ahhhhhhhhh ... louder then cut)
NARRATOR: We'll be back to "Nick Danger" after this message ...
BRADSHAW: All right! Hold it right where you are. I'm Lt. Bradshaw with a piece of advice for you. Now here in the studio it's all knuckles and know how, but when that red light goes off I'm just plain Harry Aims, citizen and weekend father. Now take a tip from a cop who does. Radio work can be just as dirty and exciting as hunting down public enemy number one. So when I get home, my old lady knows what I need, and how. A warm, heaping bowl full of "Loostners' Castor Oil Flakes" with real gysernviberphon. It doesn't just wash your mouth out, It cleans the whole system... right on down the line.
So come on you little rookies. Tell your mom to get on it and do it everyday. Just remember what the boys down at the precinct house sing: Oh ... it ain't no use if you ain't got the boost, the boost you get from Loostners'... LOOSTNERS".
NARRATOR: The All-Weather Breakfast. And now we return you to Act 3 of "Nick Danger, Third Eye".
NICK: (thinking- When the crazy escalator ride ended I fought my way back up to the land of the living. I came to slumped over the front seat of my own car. lying in a pool of cheap rock gut. I had a head full of ideas that were driving me insane and a mouth full of ... cotton candy)
BRADSHAW: You want some more cotton candy, Danger? It might sober you up.
NICK: (moaning) Oh ... my head. Bradshaw...baby.
BRADSHAW: Yeah.
NICK: I never thought I'd be glad to sod your ugly mug.
BRADSHAW: Save the wisecracks for the warden, Danger. I got you this time and I got you good.
NICK: What are you talking about?
BRADSHAW: Get outa that car ...
NICK: Hey! Come on..
BRADSHAW: ... If you can stand up, and keep your hands high. I got you covered.
NICK: Hey, what's this all about, Bradshaw? You know I never carry a rod.
BRADSHAW: Yeah! But it's murder what some people can do with a car and 1 got witnesses to prove It.
NANCY: (excited, sobbing) There’s the man. Keep me away from him. He did It.
BRADSHAW: Take it easy, little lady.
NICK: I don't know why you're doing this, Nancy, but it doesn't change my feeling about you.
NANCY: Oh Nick! You're such a tool! He did it!
BRADSHAW: All right, all right! Take It easy, little lady. All right, let's get these facts straight. Take this down, Henderson. O.K., professor; how did it happen?
CATHERWOOD: Well, sergeant, ah...
BRADSHAW: Lieutenant.
CATHERWOOD: Yes ... Mrs. Farber and I were sitting right here in the living room
engaged in a friendly round of spin-the-pickle ... weren't we dear.
NANCY: (sobbing) Yes
CATHERWOOD: ... with our good friend, Mr. Raccocoa.
NANCY: He did it.
CATHERWOOD: Ah yes ... and then suddenly the door flew open and this drunken mad man, right here, drove in honking wildly and headed straight for us.
NICK: He's lying.
BRADSHAW: Can it, can it, Danger. Continue
CATHERWOOD: Yeah ... and at the last possible moment he stopped on a dime.
BRADSHAW: I see.
CATHERWOOD: Unfortunately that dime was in Mr. Raccocoa’s pocket.
NICK: I’m going to break your neck, Catherwood. Let me at ‘um.
BRADSHAW: All right, all right... hold It, Danger. I've heard enough! We'll get the rest of the story down at the station house from you. I've been waiting for this for years ...
NICK: Wise up, Bradshaw.
BRADSHAW: ...week in and week out...
NICK: I didn't do it.
BRADSHAW: ... playing second fiddle while you got all the girls.
NICK: Come on ...
BRADSHAW: Well, I'm tired of being mister nice-buy, see. There's gonna be some changes made. Next week this show is gonna be called...
NARRATOR: "Sergeant Bradshaw"...
BRADSHAW: Lieutenant
NARRATOR: District Attorney.
BRADSHAW: I ... I'm going to have my own theme music and it’s gonna take place in Washington, D.C. No plots ... just girls and guys doing nice simple things up against Nazils and Fifth Columnist ... and no jewish writers either. My name in the paper...picture taken with Lindberg,...Charles Foster ... (fade out)
NICK: (thinking- I saw my chance and I took it. Bradshaw would never listen to my story now. It had more holes in it than Albert Hall. My only way out was like this ... ((fight scene- sock ... ahh))) Alright, alright, hold It everybody. Catherwood, stop It. I've got Bradshaw's rod pressed against Nancy's temple. Now you spill the beans or I'll blow her brains out.
NANCY: Nick!
CATHERWOOD: Oh my ... I ... I think you're bluffing, flatfoot.
(sound effect- gunshot and thud of body hitting the floor)
CATHERWOOD: No ... you weren't bluffing.
NICK: Alright, talk.
CATHERWOOD: It all began 20 years ago. I was a freshman in college then, although you wouldn't hardly believe it to look at me now. I..I had just completed work on my science project and I invited Nancy down to reveal the secret to her ...
(fade out to "flash-back")
DAN HAYBER: Well, this is it, Nancy. How do you like it?
NANCY: So this is where you've been every night since we got married ... oh Nicky.
DAN: Sure Is! ... that ... that's Danny ... but don't... don't say It. Nancy, I know it's been hard, but I wanted to give you the swellish honeymoon a girl ever had. We're going to Greece.
NANCY: And swim the English Channel ?
DAN: No! To ancient Greece, where burning Saphron loved and sang and
stroked the wine-dock sea in the temple by the moonlight ... wah da do dah.
NANCY: What?
DAN: Don’t you see, Nancy? I've built the perfect time machine.
NANCY: Oh! It sounds dangerous.
DAN: Yes, that's why I'm going to try it out first. Now when I get into the grandfather clock, you hit me over the head with this bottle of champagne... right here, (sound effects- crash) set the dial back for 1000 years and put in three dimes. I'll be gone for 1000 years.
NANCY: 1000 years? That's longer than anyone has ever been gone before.
DAN: But to you, it’ll seem only like a minute. Fare thee well, my love. Foreward, into the past.
NANCY: Gee, I hope he gets back before all this dry ice melts. (sound effect-
sharp sound) (Nancy turns) Wha ... who’s there???
R.R.: Mrs. Hayber??
NANCY: Who’s that???
R.R.: I'm Rocky Raccocoa. You might have seen me tottering around the drug store drinking chocolate malts vulcans and giving away free high schools.
NANCY: Well, what are you doing here? What do you want??
R.R.: I'm here for a friend, Mrs. Hayber. If you sign a contract you're supposed to keep up the payments.
NANCY: Oh, you must be a friend of Nick's.
R.R.: Yes.
NANCY: He couldn't want his money already. He only gave me the ring last night. I'm wearing it see.
R.R.: Yes, that's a very pretty hand there. (starts tugging on the ring)
NANCY: Agggrh!!!
DAN: (fade in) Oooohhh ... Nancy, Nancy ... it's a success. I'm back. It's a
success. I have proof I've been to ancient Greece. Look at this grape.
NANCY: Who are you old man and what have you done with my husband?
DAN: What do you mean, Nancy? I am your husband.
NANCY: (faints away) Aggrh!
DAN: Well, who’s that ugly dwarf with his hand in your mouth?
R.R.:Rocky Racoccoa, at your service.
NICK: All right, all right, Catherwood. I've heard just enough.
DAN: What? ... what? ... Listen, I’m telling this story, young man. What are you going in my flashback?
NICK: Flashback? What are you talk ... flashing? ... All right all of you, You stay right where you are. Put your thumbs on your place in the script while I figure this out. (thinking- Poor Nancy. Married to a man 1000 years old. Now I understand why the servants disappeared. It was Catherwood who killed Racoccoa to protect his wife...my Betty Joe.)
NANCY: Who is he talking to? How does he make his voice do that??
NICK: All right Bradshaw, there's your confession; I hope you got it all down. Brad...Bradshaw ... Bradshaw? Oh, that's right; he's not in this flashback. Oh, I'll skip ahead of ... no... I can't skip ahead. All right, everybody into the time machine.
DAN: Wait... wait a minute ... no,no,no,no,no. You don't understand how radio works. Now this is my flashback, all I have to do to return us to the present is fade my voice out like this and cue the organist. (organ music) And you see.
CATHERWOOD: Here we are.
DAN & CATHERWOOD: Oh my goodness.
NICK: What's happening. Am I seeing double? There are 2 of everyone except me.
(thinking- Pandemonium was breaking out all around me. Wait a minute. Who are you?
NICKII: I was here first. You imposter. Take that.
NANCY: Why that's terrible ...
NANCYII: You keep away from him you young hussy.
NANCY: Who are you calling a young hussy, you old bag.
NANCYII: Why I dare you talk to me like that...
NANCY: I can talk to me anyway I like to.
NANCYII: What nerve. I'm not you...you're me 20 years ago.
NANCY: Why you got a lot of nerve saying I'm going to look like that in 20 years.
NANCY & NANCYII: Oh yeah? There ain't room enough in this dress for both of us (sound effects- ripp, cauhit, ah,oh)
CATHERWOOD: Well, this is a bit of fun, isn't it?
DAN: Yeah, it certainly is that. Glad to have someone my own age to talk to after all these years.
CATHERWOOD: Ah ... why don't we sing something?
DAN: Well, I've forgotten the key.
CATHERWOOD: Oh, that's all right...l have a lid out in the car.
R.R.: Stop it! Stop it! Stop singing, you fools. Can't you see someone has been crushed here under this car. Oh my god, it's me. I don’t look at all well. I'm dead. I've been killed. Oohhh, it hasn't happened to me since M.
NICK: (thinking- I did a quick 20/20 on the whole scene. I thought that I was the only one going insane, but now we were all in this together. I knew what I had to do. I didn’t like it, but that never stopped me before) All right everybody, take off your..................
NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this schedule transmission to bring you an announcement of national importance from the White House in Washington, D.C...... Ladies and gentlemen ... ladies and gentlemen ... the President of the United States...
PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans. This morning, at 6:25 A.M. Pacific Standard Time, combined elements of the Imperial Japanese navy and air forces ruthlessly attacked our naval base at Pearl Harbor In the Hawaiian islands. I have conferred this morning with the congress and the chiefs-of-state in emergency sessions. We have reached our rendezvous with destiny. It is our unanimous and irrevocable decision that the United States of America unconditionally surrender. And now, my wife and I would like to return, with you, for the thrilling conclusion of “Private Nick Danger, Third Eye”.
NICK: Well, I've solved another one for you.
BRADSHAW: Danger, I'll never know how you do it. I was sure I had the goods on you this time.
NICK: Well, Bradshaw, it's like in the army, you know. The great prince issues commands, founds states, vest families with thief’s ... inferior people should not be employed.
BRADSHAW: Nick... I can't knock success, but you still put me through too many changes.
NARRATOR: The makers of Loostner's Castor Oil Flakes and Fantastic Cigarettes ... Loostner's for the smile of beauty ... Fantastic for the smile of success ... have brought you the transcribed adventures of Nick Danger, Third Eye. Tune In again next week, same time, same station, when Nick Danger meets..."The Arab".
(music builds up then fades out)
All words are taken from the Firesign Theatre (How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All) Columbia Records CS 9884 Side 2; "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger-From the first broadcast December 6, 1941. Rebroadcast courtesy of Loostner Bros. Soap Co."
2 comments:
I thought the perfume was Peppermint Patchouli not Pyramid Patrolee
Lots of misheard dialog in this. It’s not easy to get all the references.
Thanks very much for taking the time to do it, though!
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