Paranoia is classified as a mental illness characterized by systematized delusions of persecution or grandeur with or without hallucinations; excessive or irrational suspiciousness and distrustfulness of others.
When you are elderly and live alone every sound brings awareness of something happening. And that alone can bring thoughts of fantasy beyond rationalization.
Did those people trying to sell God go in the house next door and not come out? Who is that guy parked across the street? Delivery? Neighbor? Those people who are walking by and staring at me on the porch, are they friends or foe?
My wife certainly had enough experiences to predicate being distrustful of others, but was always open and overly welcoming to strangers. She would see a soldier in uniform at the mall and go up and hug him shedding a tear.
At the same time she needed her privacy and her space and did not want anyone looking over her shoulder.
The next-door neighbor would gaze out her window (as I often do now) but my wife found it evasive and opaque the windows. I found it peculiar at the time but now realize when you live four feet apart from your neighbor you need light not action.
This morning I heard a sound in the neighborhood that was unfamiliar. A mechanical noise of some kind and it was close to me.
Was I being paranoid?
Was it the HVAC guys working on my neighbors AC unit again? Was it the power company adjusting the flow of current? Was it the parade of trucks visiting the neighborhood to pick up scraps? Was it some kind of criminal trying to steal my treasure?
I wrap myself in privacy. I don’t post profiles on the web. I don’t reply to unknown phone calls. I have a fence, with locks. My freedom is my security to do I want in my space.
So it turns out there is an earthmover in the alley. I’d seen them working up the next block but this was Saturday. Thank you city taxes. They didn’t apply a cover of gravel but they did straighten and flattened the roadway that had become a slushy mess in the spring rains.
So it will be just another normal day of feeding the critters, watching the shadows move and listening to Mooney Music. Maybe I’ll do a project? Maybe I won’t?
What was that?