Friday, March 9, 2018

Suppose you were called upon to do stand-up comedy?

What would you do? What would you say?
Without a script or preparation could you think on your feet? How can you survive a crowd of obnoxious noisy drunks who want to put down every word you say unless you can get their attention?
“Hi there. Are you having fun so far? (These are the usual introductions that will try to avoid booing and projectile hurling) My name is Klyph. It is only one name so it is easy to remember. It is on the poster but not on the menu. Like a ‘click, click, click’ sound. Like the thing you fall off of. If it was a rap name it would be like “ooooohhhh, or Oh!” but it is not. Have you ever been to school? I’m not sure you all have been to university but I hope you all have been to basic training. You know the one where a bunch of kids are gathered up and thrown into a room full of desk and chairs in long columns and rows and told to: “Find a seat and sit down” Oh yeah also be quiet. Then this adult person stands in front of all of you and states he or she is the ultimate authority figure. This adult assigned seats and took names and was the one and only to provide the information you were instructed to understand and be tested on without your consent. Yes, you in the back. You raised your hand. (Looks at chart) Row 12, column 4. “Mr. Wilson, you have a question? What? You need to use the restroom?” You do remember school. Then the bell rings and we all gather up our books and hustle down the hall to another room. Why would we have to move? We were just getting to know each other but the bell makes us play musical chairs and wind up in another room with some of the same kids and a bunch of new kids and there is a new adult. This adult starts all over again taking names and resigning seats and announcing they are now the new authorial figure. This adult is presenting numbers when the last adult figure presented letters. The last adult taught you how to sign your name which will become important in signing checks or speeding tickets or acknowledging you attended a funeral but wonder why. This new adult will instruct you how to add numbers so you can do your taxes or work the books. I can tell many of you never attended university by your comments but we could blame it on the booze. Do you remember my name? (Hold up blackboard with ‘Klyph’ written on it in chalk). Everybody repeat after me “Klyph”.
Now if you are not covered in tomatoes and beer bottles by now, the skit could continue. It is a relational subject that is not offensive and everyone can have a giggle. The subject could go into teachers that everyone can relate to and all their unique eccentric peculiarities. Cheerleaders, marching bands, high school football, and drive-in movies (if old enough) can all bring skits, some remembrances and some laughs. To unit the crowd (audience) put up an American flag and asks everyone to stand up, put your hand on your heart, and pledge alliance.
Introduce your next act, disappear offstage, grab your cash and get out of there before they sober up.

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