Sunday, November 10, 2013



She asks me why
I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night
Hair that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low
Don't ask me why
Don't know
It's not for lack of bread
Like the Grateful Dead

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!

Oh say can you see
My eyes if you can
Then my hair's too short

Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself

They'll be ga ga at the go go
When they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond
Biblical hair

My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my mother love me?

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

So the time has come to see if I will follow up on my statement to shake things up. Man up or shut up.
I rode over to the mall yesterday preparing for the big event but the place I went to last time I got a trim was now a sandwich shop. Since I figured a hair cutter place was on every block like fingernail and phone places I rode to the end of the mall searching for another place to be shorn.
There were yogurt places and smoothie’s places and massage places and spa places but no little shops with revolving chairs and big mirrors. Now what genius? I could just not go through with my plan and blame it on not finding someone with scissors.
I will not be defeated in my mission. On a slow ride back I looked across the street and saw a place named ‘Sports Cuts’. That would be my destination for tomorrow. But tomorrow is Sunday. Are they open on Sunday?
Rather than guess, I rode over and checked out the hours on the door. Sunday 12 – 5. Perfect! Then I went to the gym and found out I had forgotten how to swim.
The day comes and it is warm and beautiful. Happy Birthday to me. The usual coffee, water, email check and radio show. Nothing else really to do except get dressed and tie my hair back. Rode my usual route to clear my head then headed to the head-shop.
I had forgotten since it had been more than four years since I had been to a place with a striped pole how some require reservations or you sit like in a hospital waiting room. “Do you take walk-ins”, I asked to a charming young woman behind a short counter. “Sure” she smiled back pushing a registration form in front of me. I filled out my name, rank and serial number and sat down.
There was a longhaired blond kid sitting with his father, a guy looking at football announcers on a big screen and a woman on the phone. I couldn’t see where the sheering was taking place so I didn’t know how many barbers there were. It didn’t matter how long the wait for I had nothing else to do but watch football and eat cake and ice cream. The young kid was called in and his father and the woman on the phone followed. It looked like his first hair cut. “Zak?” was called in soon after.
“Cliff?” I stood up and answered the call. A cute raven-haired beauty presented herself as ‘Amy’ and walked me to the back. “What are we going to do?” she asked while covering me in a black sheet. “Well Amy, I want you to cut off the ponytail at the tie. I’m going to donate the hair. And then cut everything else short.”
After a brief hesitation, I explained it was my birthday and I was going to do something different. She picked up her scissors and clipped off the ponytail, laying it on the counter like a dead bird. The she professionally trimmed the rest of the mop.
After a discussion of children, schools, jobs, towns and sports Amy asked, “How do you like this?” I put my glasses on since I can’t see diddley-squat without them and said, “Shorter.”
So she buzzed it. “Like this?” I thought before view the blur in the mirror “ If not, what are you going to do? Glue the hair back on?”
“Yes!” I said at my new baldness.
Since I was a new customer she was going to give me the VIP package. We stepped over the clippings that looked like remains of spring yard work to another room. I was seated in a dark room in a chair with my legs raised. The chair was vibrating. She asked me to lay my head back and then put a warm towel on my face. Since all the hair was gone there was much to shampoo but she gave me a remarkable head massage. I sat back down in the barber’s chair and she massaged my back with another vibrator.
Not bad for the price and a little tip, I left relaxed and transformed and bald. I immediately ran into a friend who talked to me but said she didn’t immediately recognize me. “That is the idea,” I said, “The police will never find me.”
So this winter will be a bit colder than I’m used to and my face is bare for the first time in 35 years, it just seemed like something different to do. If I don’t like it, it will grow back.
I’ll post some selfies to show the results. Oh sorry, I have a stupid phone so they might be a little rough.

I almost cut my hair
'Twas just the other day
It was gettin' kinda long
I could-a said, it was in my way
But I didn't and I wonder why
I want to let my freak flag fly
And I feel like I owe it to someone

Must be because I had the flu for Christmas
And I'm not feelin' up to par
It increases my paranoia
Like lookin' at my mirror and seein' a lit up police car
But I'm not givin' in an inch to fear
I promised myself this year
I feel like I owe it to someone

When I finally get myself together
Get down in some sunny southern weather
Find a place inside to laugh
Separate the wheat from the chaff
'Cause I feel like I owe it to someone
D. Crosby