Friday, December 23, 2016

What I DON’T want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

Here is an amendment to my first wish list request.
These are the things I DON’T want for Christmas.

1.    A Power Outage. Now I know you got connections with all the local utilities so can you keep the power running? The seasonal decorations and all take a lot of wattage so if you can make sure we don’t have a blackout that would be swell. You know what it is like to have family and friends over and then the lights go out. Scented candles are romantic but not in a room full of drunk adults and bored children. I’ll try to store up on every type of battery but if the power goes off, I’m not responsible for the chaos.
2.    Computer Problems. Even as a technological knowledgeable person it is hard to keep up with all the different apps and requirements necessary to keep the youngsters connected. I probably don’t have the latest streaming network but finding a technician on Christmas day would be impossible so the kids would probably just go out to a neighbor’s house or the closest Wi-Fi and we’ll never see them again.
3.    Alcohol. While wine and beer and other spirits fuel the holiday, there is never enough. While I’ve stocked up on every beverage, there is always a request for a special concoction and I never have the right ingredients. Unexpected guest require libations and many stay longer than stores are open.
4.    Car Problems. Even if I get the tank filled up and everything checked before the holidays, there are those unexpected snows or leaky oil lines or even an unfriendly fender bender to slow down the experience. If you let your best friend take a test ride in your brand new shiny flaming red XZ-280, he will come back complaining about a noise and how the handling doesn’t feel right. What has he done to your new car? Finding a mechanic is like #2 and a self-fix will require a computer diagnostic hookup and I’m pretty sure I don’t know anyone with a MIT degree in the neighborhood. Plus if the car can’t get my many family guest to the airport on time, they will probably permanently move in and I definitely don’t have enough #3.
5.    Fire. While no one wants a fire at anytime the holiday requires candles and fireplaces and shrubbery brought indoors. There is always drunk cooking, over plugged outlets and all that paper on packages under a dry tree. So if you can see fit not to bring the gift that keeps on giving.
6.    Diarrhea. The season demands that we gorge more than normal and some of the spices we use only for this season sometimes don’t agree with our delicate tummy. Having all these people in the house with one bathroom could easily become a problem. I’ll stock up on the toilet paper and get plenty of air freshener but if anyone gets stomach concerns I’ll have to rent a port-o-potty.
7.    Death. My last request for you Santa is if you could see clear not to bring the grim reaper to my door during the holidays. Death is a bummer at anytime but during Christmas it puts a kibosh on the whole atmosphere. If Uncle Jack keels over between Margie’s string beans and mom’s pecan pie, well it just makes the celebrations a bit unpleasant for everyone. It will get folks to leave early solving #3 but it is so messy having a corpse under the tree.

So Santa if you can possibly bring me all the good stuff and not the bad stuff, this will be a wonderful Christmas and all I’ll have to worry about is cleaning up afterwards and preparing for the next holiday, which is? New Years!! Which brings us back to #3 again.

Your favorite elf

PS. I’ve got a bottle of Jim Beam devil’s cut for you along with a dozen whacky cigarettes you like to help you with all those cookies you got to eat in one night.

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