Where are you when I need you? I prepare for you but you disappear when I want you. You slip away into the corners as the darkness creeps in and sit there invisible laughing your silent laugh at me trying so hard.
It doesn’t seem to matter how long I wait for you or how quickly I try to enjoy your peace, you have full control over what I can and cannot secure.
Some days it seems so easy to drift away but recently you have avoided me. You hide from me in the night and don’t explain why you won’t let me rest.
Is it the cup of coffee before I sleep that is keeping you away? Do I need to go back to the habit of drowning myself before you come by? We will see tonight.
If not, I will continue to toss and turn while listening to jazz then live classical concerts interrupted by a few minutes of news. I will even try to play familiar sounds hoping the wiggle of a foot to the beat will wear me out. Occasionally I will get up, disgusted by the unavailable goal of sleep and try to wear myself out searching the blinding screen for some sense of exhaustion.
Two o’clock, three o’clock, four o’clock all past by and still the mind wander into the stream of constant thoughts. Projects, people, wonders, comments, images, and possible dreams without sleep fill the void.
As the light of the morning starts to come through the window creating as much frustration as anxiety, for some reason you come to me and allow me to drift away into darkness.
Yet you do not leave me alone. You give me dreams of remarkable images. No director or filmmaker could possible create such views and characters in tales and adventures and mysteries I could not attempt to follow but I’m along for the ride. Some faces are familiar and so many are unknown but the script has been written within and must be followed until the head is lifted from the pillow and the crusty eyes meet the brightness.
Adding up the few short naps the body feels it has had enough of the struggle and moves into the new day.
Will you come see me tonight my darkness mistress? Will you allow me rest or must I wander into the abyss without you?